Transformation

Artwork: I'll Regret it Either Way by Laney Degrasse

Change is a constant force in our lives but instead of viewing change as a negative force, look at it as an opportunity to grow and learn. Transformation can be powerful. Yes, sometimes change hurts but even in those instances we can view it as a positive force that is molding us into a stronger , more resilient person. 

Searching

Artwork: Hearts on Fire by Laney DeGrasse

Expectations

Artwork: Hearts on Fire by Laney DeGrasse

ex·pec·ta·tions

/ekspekˈtāSH(ə)n/

noun

1.    a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

2.    a belief that someone will or should achieve something.

Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.  ~Mother Theresa 

I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it’s not what the world holds for you, it’s what you bring to it. ~Anne Shirley

Last night during my meditation time, I spent a lot of time in reflection about this past weekend.  Spending time with friends that are more like family than any family that I have had in my life.  Meeting new people, visiting new places, and just plain enjoying life.  I finally feel like I have found my place in life, like I have found my tribe—people that understand me at my core without judgement. People that are there to share the sorrows and tears but also there to share the joys and laughter.  These people have my back, no matter what; there is such a peace in knowing that I am not alone in this world.  It got me to thinking about kindred spirits and relationships.  Relationships are very important in our lives, if a person thinks that they can march this life alone, they are very wrong.  We are relational beings, that is how we are designed so you cannot escape that internal yearning to belong to a tribe or a people that ‘get’ you.  When you meet someone new, we all wear that ‘mask’ to try to fit-in but as the relationship progresses we begin to show who we really are deep inside.  If the relationship is between kindred spirits, then there is not fear of being completely open and transparent.  If the relationship is without true connection, then it is best to keep your secrets to yourself because those relationships do not have your best interests at heart. 

I am going to switch gears and talk about our most intimate relationships with a romantic partner.  Being in the field of study that I am in I understand the anatomy of relationships and how they work.  Romantic relationships go through five distinct phases:  attraction, idealized positive transference (or the honeymoon), reality, commitment, and then eventually marriage.  Of course, everyone wants to be in a successful relationship but how is it possible when there is distance (either physical, intellectual, or spiritual) between you?  Building and maintaining a successful relationship is about commitment with a kindred soul—one that matches your own.  Finding that person might be difficult but when and if you do then you have to have the emotional maturity and the ability to sustain a lasting bond with one another and to let go of the thought that they are in charge ow how you feel—zero expectations.  Relationships need to be cultivated, nourished, and maintained in order to create and KEEP the bond strong.  Having and showing mutual unconditional love to one another is not something that is altogether spiritual nor is it a mystical concept, it is necessary.

When we find that person, we tend to let the frustrations get in the way of loving them unconditionally.  We forget that we had that connection in the beginning and as soon as the ‘warm fuzzy’ feeling that they gave to us wears away, we are not sure how the relationship can last.  As selfish as it sounds, showing unconditional love to your partner is more about YOU.  In the most selfish way, you get to experience feelings that you want to feel and they reap the benefits of your actions of love towards them.  You decide how you think and feel, when we start to think that it is not a choice then we begin to feel sad, angry, frustrated, etc.  Again, YOU chose how you feel, your partner does not dictate your feelings by doing anything.  As much as you feel love for your partner, they cannot MAKE you feel a certain way, that is your job to feel your feelings and control your thinking (thoughts create feelings).  You cannot ask your partner to change anything about themselves in order for you to feel better about your relationship. 

Loving someone is the most amazing feeling that we get to feel but you have to claim that feeling every day.  Loving someone is our choice, we have to decide if we want to feel it or not to feel it towards our partner.  When you have selected THE right person for you then those feelings are easier but if you are with someone because you are lonely or just want companionship then, those feelings are more difficult to find.  When you start getting frustrated about your partner’s lack of something ((s)he does not pick up his socks, (s)he leaves dishes in the sink, (s)he is always late, etc.) or because of something that (s)he did then the truth is that your love for this person is not truly unconditional.  You are putting expectations on this person to MAKE you love them—your thinking is not in line with the true meaning of unconditional love.  When we love someone is not a benefit to THEM, it is a benefit to YOU.  You are in control of those feelings; their actions do not dictate your love.  One of my clients said that she could no longer love her husband because of the way he made her feel.  My question is why are his actions dictating how YOU feel?  Byron Katie says, "I love you and there's nothing you can do about it."  You get to love someone without their consent, you do not stop just because someone did something that did not meet your expectations.

We enter relationships with a list of expectations, needs, and desires then we expect our partner to fulfill those things for us.  When they fall short (and they will) we begin to get frustrated with them.  You get to love someone because that is something that you chose to feel no matter what they do.  Now, I am not suggesting that you stay in an abusive situation just because you love someone—you must be safe from harm at all times!  If your partner is disrespectful, rude, controlling, etc. then you are in charge of how you interpret their behavior and you are responsible for how you respond.  You are the only one in charge of your feelings and if someone is constantly bringing you down then, find out why. You have the freedom to love someone deeply but not want to live with them but you cannot decide that you will be happy if your circumstances change.  If you stay or go, your thoughts go with you and leaving will not change your thoughts but you WILL carry them into the next relationship.

When you have a thought you create a feeling, those feelings create actions, and ultimately results.  If you are living an unconscious life then you will not feel emotions but if you have a thinking brain then you will feel emotions.  Nothing happens in our world that does not make us think and then feel something about that event.  Happiness is an inside job, it is inside you wherever you go your thoughts and emotions are there.  Just because your partner is not there does not mean that you can be happy OR unhappy.  You cannot blame someone else for your unhappiness, that is your responsibility.  You are in charge of your own feelings, do not decide to be happy because of external events or relationships.  Your internal emotions are just that, internal.  You cannot keep changing circumstances to find your happiness, you have to figure out how to feel happy right where you are. 

If you are in a relationship and not ‘feeling love’ towards them are you expecting them to make you love them?  If you are unhappy, why are YOU feeling this way?  Are you putting expectations on them to make you feel something?  Are you expecting them to love you first before you love them?  You get to decide how you feel and if you are not feeling love then it is because of something that you are thinking not because of something that they are doing.  If you are thinking, what is the point of having a romantic relationship if their sole purpose is NOT to make you feel loved?  It does not matter if they love you, that is their emotions to own, not yours; you are in charge of your emotions and how you think and feel.  Your partner’s only job in your life is to be available for YOU to love them, to give you an object of affection, and to build lasting memories together. 

Do not give the power to someone else, be in charge of your thoughts and emotions.  Do not expect them to make you feel love, that is emotional bondage in a relationship.  It can be a huge turning point in your life when you figure out that you are in charge of your own happiness; stop expecting others to meet your needs.  It is difficult to wrap our minds around this concept because we have been taught to have expectations in our relationships but if we continue this thinking then we will continue to be disappointed.  If you are searching for peace in your relationship, drop the expectations and see what happens!  When you stop trying to change your partner and just appreciate them for who they are, your relationship will change.  If you are always trying to control your partner, asking them to be a different person, trying to control them, criticizing them for their behavior, or asking them to do things in order for you to feel appreciated then you have to determine if you are providing those things for yourself.  You cannot manipulate how they feel or act, it is impossible to change them and it is exhausting to try. 

Think about someone in your life that you find difficult to love. Are you blaming them for your lack of love for them?  If you are then you are giving them a free pass to your thoughts, that is not their job to make you feel anything towards them.  When you chose to feel hatred or any negative emotion towards another person then you are the only one suffering the effects of that, not them.  This thinking is based on the false assumption that they benefit from your love.  Withholding love because you fear being hurt is not something that you can control.  To deny feeling a positive emotion (love) because you fear of experiencing a negative emotion (hurt, pain, etc.) does not make sense.  You are responsible for how you feel, as soon as you blame others for how you are feeling, then you lose all power and emotional maturity.  If you want to see personal growth, decide to be in control of yourself. 

This week, make a list of reasons why you are not feeling loved or loving.  What is behind this?  Write down the reasons that your partner or person in your life is difficult to love.  Are you trying to make them responsible for your feelings?  Are you asking them to meet your expectations and needs? 

If you need help finding that love for yourself or need to figure out how to control your thinking, contact me today for your fee coaching session to learn how we can work together to help you find your way back inside.  I would also love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Purpose

Artwork: Burning Passion by Laney Degrasse (C)

Passion

Burning Passion by Laney Degrasse (C)

pas·sion

/’paSHən/

Noun

1. strong and barely controllable emotion.
2. a state or outburst of strong emotion.
3. an intense desire or enthusiasm for something.
4. a thing arousing enthusiasm.

  

There is no passion to be found playing small—in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living. ~Nelson Mandela

If you feel like there’s something out there that you’re supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it. ~Wanda Sykes

Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you. ~Oprah Winfrey

Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world. ~Harriet Tubman

This week, I wanted to talk about how to create passion, how live life on purpose.  This is such an important idea in life because many people wait for something outside themselves to happen before they take action.  Passion is an inside job, it is not something that we find outside ourselves.  Finding your passion and learning what drives us to get out of bed in the morning is SO important otherwise, we are dreading Monday morning or any day of the week because we are just existing.  Passion is a skill that we teach ourselves, living our dreams instead of doing what is necessary.  We have to teach ourselves to live each day on purpose.  Many ask, HOW do I FIND my passion?  How do I get passionate about my life?

There is a ton of information out there about finding your passion and finding your purpose but much of that information is about finding something outside yourself to give you that passion, fire, or drive.  Finding purpose outside of our self is easy but if you are truly trying to feel better about yourself and your life, things outside of you will never give you that fuzzy feeling long-term.  Sometimes these external things will suffocate you and will actually steal the joy that you once had.  We are born with an innate gift, a purpose for our existence.  If we are constantly putting ourselves down then we will squelch our drive and lose sight of the ultimate goal.

This is what we do in our relationships, our jobs, our hobbies, etc.  We get that ‘warm fuzzy’ and think that this external thing will give us that feeling forever but when the spark withers, so do we.  Your job will never make you truly happy.  Your partner will never make you truly happy.  Your hobby will never make you truly happy.  All of these things have frustrating moments and frustrating times.  If you are trying to generate happiness and passion from external things then you will eventually feel lost and unfulfilled and give up.  If you find ‘that’ thing that generates passion deep inside you then you are one step ahead of the game but if you expect to KEEP that drive and passion then you have to do the work from the inside out.

First, think about where does your passion and drive come from and what is it?  What does that passion feel like?  Does it make you excited and enthusiastic about life?  Does it make you feel alive?  Do you feel the drive in your gut, in your head, or in your heart?  Does this passion motivate you?  Passion is a feeling, an emotion.  Emotions and feelings are not permanent residents, they change over time.  If you stop that FEELING then you start beating yourself up and then your passion and drive go down the tubes and you will give up.  If the passion is something that is intrinsically motivating us, something that is natural then it just happens.  True passion is not something that goes away when we get frustrated or angry.

Think about it this way, when you met your partner or landed that ‘dream’ job the passion was just THERE.  You did not have to do anything to make yourself get goo-goo over it or anything that you had to do to be intentional about making things happen.  Over time, we get frustrated, angry, bogged down with the negative stuff and that goo-goo feeling goes away.  This is the time that we have to really THINK and be clear about our passions.  If you felt that fuzzy feeling in the beginning was this feeling really a passion or just an excitement about something new?  If you have lost that spark, make a list of the reasons.  Why have you lost it?  If you write these things down, you might truly see why your passion is gone and why it left?  Was it an external feeling in the beginning or something inside that motivated you?

Natural passions are automatic, it is internal programming from our brains that tells us THIS IS IT!  I am passionate about learning why people do the things that they do and why they act in a certain way.  I have trained my brain to understand these things, I research, I read, I think about these things constantly.  I think about these things enough that I automatically know the reasons for someone’s actions--well, to some degree, not all human actions are the same but you get my drift.  It is natural for me to think in this way, it is my passion and purpose in life to help others to understand their motivations and to understand what drives them.  If we constantly and consistently think a certain way or think certain thoughts then we begin to believe them.  We will experience the emotions behind those thoughts (thoughts create emotions) and it will be natural, with very little effort to feel alive.  We have to take deliberate actions to create this thinking in order for them to become automatic.  At times, we have to consciously create our thoughts until they are ingrained in our being.

If you are wondering where that passion went and at what point did I become lost, you have to first understand why.  As I mentioned before, make a list.  Are your partner’s habits that were once ‘cute,’ just an annoyance now? Is your job something that you dread because there is so much aggravation attached to it now?  If you are constantly thinking negatively, find out why but do so without judgement.  Think about your current beliefs attached to this ‘thing’ that once was a driving force in your life but now just seems like a chore.  Why has this ‘thing’ become such a thorn in your side?  Why did you lose the passion and drive?  In order to understand why you are feeling stuck, you have to figure out what got you stuck and why your thinking changed. 

Think about your perfect life and WHY you feel like this would be perfect for you.  If there were no doubt that you could achieve this life, how would that feel?  What would you be doing?  What do you truly want in your life and how does that look and feel inside your body?  If you remove all doubts, what would success look and feel like to you?  If there were no obstacles, what great things could you achieve?  Thinking in this way opens your mind to living your dreams. 

If you can change the way you THINK about things then it opens up new and exciting possibilities for you and your life.  If you still have fears and doubts, do it anyway.  If you approach life with new thinking then you will see everything differently and live your life on purpose.  Think amazing thoughts and ending possibilities instead of self-doubt and fear removes the obstacles in your mind and the rest follows.  Of course, our mind does not like change so this will take some time to really get ingrained in your psyche but keep going, keep training your mind to think differently and explore those possibilities.  Our minds like to feel like they are safe, we are built to be consistent and live in patterns but we can train our brain to evolve if we learn how to manage our thought patterns. 

We can create these new thoughts but first we have to think about what we really want, how we want to feel, and what our passions are and how they will be a driving force in our lives.  Thoughts and beliefs create momentary happiness but if we study our thought patterns then we will be able to imagine the possibilities ahead of us.  Think about a time when you cannot WAIT to get out of bed in the morning.  Think about the passion that feeling had on you, what it felt like, and why. Think about the enthusiasm that burns inside when you find your WHY.  When you think thoughts that generate passion then you will start living in that feeling and practicing those things.  Remember, that in the beginning of this process it will not be natural to think in this way but you have to make it a habit and practice it in order for it to be natural.  If you make negative thoughts and complaining a habit, that is what your body will feel every day.  If you make positive thoughts and passion a habit then THAT is what you will feel and that is what your mind will think.

It may feel weird or awkward at first but keep practicing until it is natural and effortless.  You may stumble but do not give up!  You will eventually feel confidence and that will change your life.  Your self-worth will return, you will not feel stuck, you will have self-discipline, you will feel power, and all of these things create passion.  Achieving your dreams matters!  Everything that you want in your life is achievable as long as we change how we think and changing how we think will ultimately change how you feel (thoughts create feelings).  If we accept that the reason that we do not achieve things is because we are not good enough, do not have the resources, it will be too difficult, etc. then we have lost sight of our passion and life will feel like drudgery instead of fulfilling. Do not miss out on this beautiful thing called life because you are afraid to fail or are not sure how or where to begin.

This week, journal about:

• What is your passion?
• What does your perfect life look and feel like?
• What can you do to make this happen?
• How can you change that self-doubt into a purpose?
• How can you overcome fears and do it anyway?

Live your life on purpose instead of just reacting to what life throws at you!  Be willing to do the work and put in the effort to create your life, show up everyday to create that life.  If you are not sure where or how to begin, contact me today to set up your free coaching session and to learn how we can work together to make that happen! 

On a side note, I will be posting some free stuff here very soon, first will be a FREE journal for my readers.  Lots of exiting thing coming so, stay tuned!!

Happiness

Artwork: Soul by Laney DeGrasse (C)

Happy Friday!! Thinking today about happiness. 
What makes me happy? 
How am I sharing my happiness? 
What drives me? 
How do I keep my smile? 

What are some things that you do to keep going when you are challenged?  I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Spring!

/spriNG/

verb

1. 1.

   move or jump suddenly or rapidly upward or forward.

   
   
2. 2.

   originate or arise from.
3. 
   
4. Spring is nature's way of saying let's party. ~Robin Williams

   Spring breathes new life into the world around us

   No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn. ~Hal Borland

1. 
   

Spring has sprung, what are you doing to clean up your surroundings or things in your life?  It is a time of new beginnings and dusting off the cobwebs of winter. 

Think and journal about these things:

• In what areas do you need to clean and infuse new life?
• Where are the cobwebs in your life?  How can you clean those away and breathe new life in those areas?
• What do you need to clean up in your life?  How are you going to do that?
• What needs mental clearing in your head?  What is cluttering your mind?
• Where do you need to spring clean in your surroundings?  Kitchen?  Closet? Gardens?
• How can you freshen up your attitude?
• What is draining your energy?  Make a list and note how you can invigorate these areas.

I would love to hear your responses to these things in the comments (below).  If you are feeling stuck in your life, contact me (form to the right) today to talk about how I can help you to move forward in your life.  The first 30-minute session is free!!

Perseverance

Artwork: Endless Void by Laney Degrasse Art ©

per·se·ver·ance

/pərsəˈvirəns/

Noun

Steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

synonyms: persistence, tenacity, determination, staying power, indefatigability, steadfastness, purposefulness

Our lives are defined not by the challenges we encounter, but by how we respond to those challenges.  - Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Circumstance does not make the man: it reveals him to himself. -James Allen

When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.   - Unknown

I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry. - Unknown

In the book The On Purpose Person: Making your Life Make Sense by Kevin W. McCarthy the author talks about a man who became so wrapped up in the outer things of life that even though he seemed to have all of the success in the world all of it lost its luster and he became angry and depressed. I have been drawn back to this book so many times and I take away something different each time I read it.  If we forget what is driving us we tend to lose sight of the person that we are inside and get so wrapped up in the daily routine of life that we lose our passion for life.  In the past, I have given parts of myself to others that I should not have given.  I gave away my joy and allowed others to be in charge of my happiness.

I am at a place in my life where I understand that nurturing and caring for myself is THE most important thing that I can do for my loved ones.  I do not need someone to affirm my value, I do not need someone to acknowledge my good qualities, I do not need a romantic relationship in order to fill fulfilled—I do those things for myself.  I do not need for someone to tell me what to think or feel, I am secure in my own skin and I know my value.  In a romantic partnership, I want someone to support, explore, and encourage me to be a better person.  Past failures make if difficult for me to put myself out there and the fear that unending commitment is a thing of the past.  I will not go through another relationship disaster so finding a person that I trust enough to take down that road is daunting at best.  I think that relationally I am healthy enough to say no to the one’s who just don’t fit the bill.  I will not settle and I will  not give away parts of myself that are meant to be kept.  I will not allow someone’s opinions to transfer to my own, I will not be that woman for anyone.  I would not be the person that I am today without the trials and tribulations, I have learned to appreciate the tears as much as the happy times.

I guess standing at a crossroads is a place where we learn new things about ourselves.  We grow and develop new qualities to share with the world.  Adversity might push us to the crossroads but we could be standing there by choice too.  Every choice we make results in two outcomes, there are things that we did not choose and the things that we DO choose.  Living with the collateral damage of both sides of that choice can be challenging.  The thing with choices is what will you be gaining and/or giving up by taking that direction?  Is the loss worth the gain?  I guess that you cannot be afraid to lose the game in order to win the big prize so sometimes we have to make difficult choices in order to change directions and get our lives on track.  Sometimes the results are not immediate but a series of decisions and it might take time to see the fruits of our labor.  Think of this this way, gardens are not beautiful as soon as you plant the seeds, it takes time for plants to mature and grow so it takes patience and perseverance to see results.

This week, try writing about that big (or little) decision that you have had a difficult time making.  Will taking a chance land you on your feet or flat on your back?  I guess that if passion drives those choices then you’ll land on your feet every time.  If fear is the driving force behind NOT making the decision, what is behind the fear?  Loss?  Gains?  Change?  If and when you make the decision, where will you be?  Make a list of the possible good and bad about the decision.  Which decision is best?  Which decision has the least amount of risk?  If taking a risk is not comfortable, why?

If you need some assistance persevering and learning how to make the best decision, contact me today and set-up your free coaching session.  We can discuss how my services can give you some new ways to break away from the fear and how to move forward.

This is one if my favorite poems about taking risks:

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Confidence

Focus

Transparent

Artwork: Waves of Life by Laney DeGrasse

trans·par·ent

/transˈperənt/

adjective

adjective:

1. (of a material or article) allowing light to pass through so that objects behind can be distinctly seen.
2. easy to perceive or detect.

3. having thoughts, feelings, or motives that are easily perceived.

synonyms: obvious, evident, self-evident, undisguised, unconcealed, conspicuous, patent, clear, crystal clear, plain, (as) plain as the nose on your face, apparent, unmistakable, easily discerned, manifest, palpable, indisputable, unambiguous, unequivocal

antonyms: ambiguous, obscure

Stay true to yourself, yet always be open to learn. Work hard, and never give up on your dreams, even when nobody else believes they can come true but you. These are not cliches but real tools you need no matter what you do in life to stay focused on your path. ~Phillip Sweet

Just imagine becoming the way you used to be as a very young child, before you understood the meaning of any word, before opinions took over your mind. The real you is loving, joyful, and free. The real you is just like a flower, just like the wind, just like the ocean, just like the sun. ~Don Miguel Ruiz

I try to keep it real. I don't have time to worry about what I'm projecting to the world. I'm just busy being myself. ~Demi Lovato

If you have never heard the song True by Spandau Ballet, take a minute to listen.  For me, this song brings back a lot of peaceful and great memories.  When I did a search about the meaning of the song I found that it had been written as a love song to someone who did not know the true thoughts of the author.  Because it was a new relationship, he did not want to be foolish but he wanted her to know how he felt.  When we are in a new relationship it is difficult to say things that you might want to say for fear of being rejected--rejection is difficult to swallow but so is living behind a mask!  For me, I will live transparently no matter what happens.  I know that this is the only way for me to live in peace with myself.

Truth is a deep-seated and sincere desire to be loyal, faithful and steadfast in character—to live in reality and to be factual without variation.  If you are not a genuine person then are you truly living your best life?  Are you being true to yourself?  Why the need to hide behind a mask and be someone you are not?  Plain and simple….fear.  Fear that someone will not like you for the person that you are or are not!?  Fear is a gripping emotion and if we allow it to take root in our soul then we will never become the person that we WANT or NEED to be.  If you are searching for a relationship to find fulfillment in your life, then it will be difficult to find true happiness—first, you have to be true to yourself!  In reality, speaking truth is not only in words but in our actions too. 

Lies are not only the untruths that we tell, there is more than one way to tell a lie--lies by submission and lies by omission.  We can speak an untruth easily but when we hold back then we are also lying.  We might think that not saying something is not lying but it is!  Lies by omission are those things that we hold inside wishing that we’d said but never did!  We should never leave any good thing left unsaid because showing people your true, authentic self is the only way to life.  Do not live regret and wish that you’d said something that you felt about someone.  When your children, family, friends or partner does or says something that you have a good thought about….SAY IT!  It’s never too late to say something good to someone and we should never hold anything back for fear of rejection! 

Using your voice might be difficult, it was for me because that was not how I was raised.  I always heard, keep that to yourself because you might hurt their feelings.  Well, if they hurt MY feelings should I not say something?  Of course, holding those things back only creates resentment.  Speak up in a constructive way and let others know your thoughts and feelings.  It might be something that you have never done but start small, open your mouth and start seeing the results of living transparently.  Growth takes time and effort, it is difficult but it is also necessary.  When adversity comes my way, I stopped the self-pity and asking WHY ME!  Instead, believe that the situation will squeeze something great out of you!  When we are going through calamity we seem to look at the dark side of things but instead try to see something positive coming out of the circumstance. 

We should not compare ourselves, our story, or our situations with others but when things look the darkest try to put it all in perspective and seek something good instead of remaining in the black cloud!  We have to live a transparent life in order to obtain the happiness that we wish to someday have—being honest with ourselves is important.  We cannot keep wish for the next good thing until to happen to make us happy!  Happiness comes today, right now…in the middle of the darkest hour you can make a choice to be happy because it comes from within!

Truth, honor, respect and integrity…the four pillars of a sold relationship.  I write so much about relationships and building a good foundation because over the years I have learned that nothing is more important than great relationships.  I have relinquished my power in some relationships but I will not allow that to happen in the future, I lost myself.  I want solid foundations with everyone in my life and if I say too much about my feelings then I guess that person was not supposed to be IN my life.  This goes not just for romantic relationships but also with friends and family.  Of course, I am not fond of being single but my life is rich and full without a partner and a great partner will only enhance the wonderful life that I live!  In that or any relationship I must have complete truth, honor, respect and integrity before I will be happy.  I will not change myself for someone else, tried that and it was a miserable existence.  I must always be myself, this might seem like a no-brainer for some but for me, it was what I felt that I had to do to keep my relationships happy—but I was not. 

It was crazy for me to realize that I was enough, that I was just fine the way that I was built, and that someone could love me just as I am.  It was a long road to healing because I used to allow myself to be treated any way just to keep the peace, I cannot do that because I held a lot of resentment and discontent inside.  Those feelings began to overtake the happiness and eat away at the relationship.  My past was, at times, dark place, full of lies and deceit and cluttered relationships.  I learned that living transparently is the best option for me.  It goes without saying that everything is perfect for me, sometimes troubles come but I do my best to be honest and open.  Living transparently allows me to feel my emotions without judgement, I do not try to fix myself or what I am feeling but I do try to understand why I am feeling in such a way.  The creation from this process is a power that comes from within.  It is a peace and freedom of one’s self. 

Transparency is intentionally baring your soul to the world by showing your true self to others.  Some hide their true selves for fear of rejection, lack of self-confidence, broken-hearts, or lack of fulfillment in life; there are many reasons a person will hold back who they are.  When a person hides behind this veil, they are robbing themselves of a happy and contented life.  Transparency reveals the character of a person--fear, rejection, low self-esteem, and broken hearts (to name a few) create uneasiness within us and this leads to internal negative thoughts.  These things tend to drown out our essence; the same place transparency grows from.  Transparency removes feelings of uneasiness and drowns out the negative internal voices; this process builds power from within and helps to create positive living.

If you are interested in learning how to live transparently, contact me to book your free session.  Learning to live in this way should be done with a trusted source, a person that is non-judgmental and will support your growth—this is how I am with my coaching clients (refer to the Life Coaching link, above).

This week try these exercises in your journal and reflection time:

• Note the things that prevent you from living a transparent life.

• What actions can you implement to become more transparent?

• What benefits do you think you would obtain by living transparently?

• What risks are you willing to take to live transparently?

Come back and share in the comments.  I would love to hear how things are going in your personal growth.

   

Learning

Artwork by: Laney DeGrasse

Last night, I started reading the book You’re Not That Great but Neither is Anyone Else. Interesting take on how to use negative emotions to fuel our drive to succeed. The one take away that resonated with me is to stop getting stuck in self-pity and shame and start using those situations to ask WHAT can I learn from this and how can I grow from this situation? I have been stuck and shameful but in reality, those situations made me a better person and drove me in ways that well wishes and compliments could never begin to make me grow. Take a moment in every situation, good and bad, and ask yourself....what can I learn here and how can this drive me to the success that I am seeking? Don’t become ambivalent and just stay there....keep moving forward and drive yourself to grow!

Ambivalence

Artwork by Laney DeGrasse (c)

–noun

–    Uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.

–    Psychology. The coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

–    The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings, such as love and hate, toward a person, object, or idea.

–    Uncertainty or indecisiveness as to which course to follow.

–    simultaneous conflicting feelings," 1924, from Ger. Ambivalenz , coined 1910 by Swiss psychologist Eugen Bleuler (18571939) on model of Ger. Equivalenz  "equivalence," etc., from L. ambi-  "both" (see ambi-) + valentia  "strength," from prp. of valere  "be strong" (see valiant). A psychological term that by 1929 had taken on a broader literary and general sense.

Often, if there's something that I want to do, but somehow can't get myself to do, it's because I don't have clarity. This lack of clarity often arises from a feeling of ambivalence - I want to do something, but I don't want to do it; or I want one thing, but I also want something else that conflicts with it. -Gretchen Rubin

Ambivalence is like carbon monoxide - undetectable yet deadly. -Cherie Carter-Scott

I read the word ‘ambivalent’ today while reading an article about commitment and being the ever-enquiring mind I wanted to do some more research.  Of course it is a word that I’ve heard before but digging deeper into the subject made me ever-curious to know more.  In today’s world what is a normal relationship?  Does anyone have a moral compass these days?  We live in a society where whatever feels good goes.  I understand that times change however have we lost our morality in the process?  Do we live by what is in the moment or do we live for what the future might hold for us?  Are we so afraid of things that we begin to allow ambivalence to cloud our judgment?  Why do we constantly search for something better?  Are we so afraid of commitment that we are constantly pushing things away from us?

I was reading the blog Commitment Phobia and the author states that this is something that is deeply rooted in fear.  This Phobia is a crippling fear of losing our options and/or of making bad decisions.  Those that carry this fear are so afraid of making bad decisions that they are afraid to commit to anything, especially relationships.  Of course they crave good relationships however they avoid taking ownership of their own feelings and avoid ties and commitments.  The desire to have a meaningful relationship is there but fear leads them to keeping everyone at arm’s length.  Since we live in a sexually promiscuous society we encourage a false sense of intimacy in our lives and live for what feels right in the moment, the instant gratification replaces the satisfaction of a committed and everlasting love.  I can see how this is not all bad because it prevents one from jumping too quickly but it also can push those away that we love the most.  “Commitment phobia is rooted in the belief that when we love someone, you are responsible for their feelings rather than our own.”  This is a profound statement because I do think that we have to consider the feelings of others when we make decisions but I am not sure that we need to be responsible for how others feel.

Everyone wants to believe they accepted and cared for but when we allow our fears to push people away we are always searching for a temporary repair to fulfill our emotional needs.  We allow our physical desires to replace a lasting and fulfilling relationship which in the end destroys us and keeps us searching for the next thing.  Commitmentphobia is a word coined by authors Steven A. Carter and Julia Sokol in their book Men Who Can’t Love (1987).  It is a term used to describe a fear of commitment referring to those who avoid long-term relationships and/or marriage.  It might seem to only affect relationships but often it begins to spill over into other areas of our lives.  Commitment phobic’s claim that they are eager to find a lasting romantic relationship but they can never seem to find the right partner and/or maintain a lasting relationship.  They crave what they fear most:  love and connection.  It is a paradox because no matter how badly they want to commit their fear leads them into destructive patterns thus in the end destroying them and their partner emotionally.  They might feel trapped and/or that they will lose their freedom if they make a long-term commitment.

One potentially misleading aspect of commitmentphobic behavior is that the partner who is actively running away from commitment is not the only one with a problem. In fact, commitmentphobic behavior includes "settling" for inappropriate partners, pursuing unattainable partners, and engaging in instant relationship mergers as well as fleeing from what might have appeared to be a stable romance. Any persistent behavior that actively prevents a person from making a commitment or allows a person to make excuses for not having made a commitment can be considered commitmentphobic.

Authors Carter and Sokol handle this circumstance by describing "active" commitmentphobia, which is most strongly characterized by running away from relationships, and "passive" commitmentphobia, which is most strongly characterized by longsuffering devotion to an active partner who is running away, longing for a partner who has run away, and fantasy reconciliation scenarios.

I guess all of this research comes from my lack of understanding about the way people can go from one person to the next without thinking twice about what is going on internally.  We jump from one partner to the next without any emotional connectedness these days.  Of course we live in a society that sends us mixed messages because we see movies depicting the long-term marriage but the divorce rates are soaring.  Why can’t couples seem to make it work?  Personally (and this is MY opinion), I believe that it is so easy to leave and move to the next relationship.  It’s easier to start something new than to work with what you have.  We’re not satisfied with what we have because we get bored; look at what someone else has and want what they have (coveting!); see something that LOOKS better to the eye…whatever the reason, our society makes it OK to sleep around and relationship-hop.

I prefer to be in a relationship with someone who values me and my beliefs.  I am very easy-going however there are some points that I will just NOT bend (cheating, boundary violations, and lies are deal breakers).  We all seek comfort in a sincere person AND we all still want to possess some sense of freedom within some boundaries.  We cannot be in a relationship and loose our sense of self but we CAN be committed to that person and have a level of trust that is unwavering.  Loyalty is such a huge part of our relationship and when someone crosses the threshold of distrust then they are opening a door that is difficult to close (this is a whole different subject that I will write about another day!).

I have always been the type of person that evaluates the pros-and-cons when venturing into a relationship but I do not judge what the future might hold (with someone) by the actions of others from the past.  I do not hold the mistakes of others against what one might do to me in the future.  I also do not walk into a relationship with the fear that it might end, that’s just dooming it from the start.   I believe that we all have faults and make mistakes, no one is perfect, it is just the severity of the mistake and how it affects those we love that matters.  Carl Jung believed that with every positive action/thought we have an opposing negative thought (http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jungtype.htm).  I do believe that no matter how good we might be on the surface we still have some amount of dark thinking, it is how we react and handle those thoughts that matters.  We all want to make right choices when choosing a romantic partner so we have to evaluate the personal characteristics before we align our lives with them.  Their ability to maintain optimal behavior during the course of the relationship determines the quality of the relationship as a whole.  Again, people do make mistakes but the foundational beliefs are what matter in a partner.  We cannot allow the ‘warm fuzzy’ to cloud our judgment because that leads to our own emotional demise. 

DISCLAIMER:  I do believe that there are some relationships that just are NOT meant to be.  When it comes to destructive relationships I do believe that there should be an end to that.  No one should have to put up with physical and/or mental abuse (or both).  In this writing I am speaking in terms of a potential healthy and fulfilling relationship.