Ambivalence

Artwork by Laney DeGrasse (c)

–noun

–    Uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.

–    Psychology. The coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

–    The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings, such as love and hate, toward a person, object, or idea.

–    Uncertainty or indecisiveness as to which course to follow.

–    simultaneous conflicting feelings," 1924, from Ger. Ambivalenz , coined 1910 by Swiss psychologist Eugen Bleuler (18571939) on model of Ger. Equivalenz  "equivalence," etc., from L. ambi-  "both" (see ambi-) + valentia  "strength," from prp. of valere  "be strong" (see valiant). A psychological term that by 1929 had taken on a broader literary and general sense.

Often, if there's something that I want to do, but somehow can't get myself to do, it's because I don't have clarity. This lack of clarity often arises from a feeling of ambivalence - I want to do something, but I don't want to do it; or I want one thing, but I also want something else that conflicts with it. -Gretchen Rubin

Ambivalence is like carbon monoxide - undetectable yet deadly. -Cherie Carter-Scott

I read the word ‘ambivalent’ today while reading an article about commitment and being the ever-enquiring mind I wanted to do some more research.  Of course it is a word that I’ve heard before but digging deeper into the subject made me ever-curious to know more.  In today’s world what is a normal relationship?  Does anyone have a moral compass these days?  We live in a society where whatever feels good goes.  I understand that times change however have we lost our morality in the process?  Do we live by what is in the moment or do we live for what the future might hold for us?  Are we so afraid of things that we begin to allow ambivalence to cloud our judgment?  Why do we constantly search for something better?  Are we so afraid of commitment that we are constantly pushing things away from us?

I was reading the blog Commitment Phobia and the author states that this is something that is deeply rooted in fear.  This Phobia is a crippling fear of losing our options and/or of making bad decisions.  Those that carry this fear are so afraid of making bad decisions that they are afraid to commit to anything, especially relationships.  Of course they crave good relationships however they avoid taking ownership of their own feelings and avoid ties and commitments.  The desire to have a meaningful relationship is there but fear leads them to keeping everyone at arm’s length.  Since we live in a sexually promiscuous society we encourage a false sense of intimacy in our lives and live for what feels right in the moment, the instant gratification replaces the satisfaction of a committed and everlasting love.  I can see how this is not all bad because it prevents one from jumping too quickly but it also can push those away that we love the most.  “Commitment phobia is rooted in the belief that when we love someone, you are responsible for their feelings rather than our own.”  This is a profound statement because I do think that we have to consider the feelings of others when we make decisions but I am not sure that we need to be responsible for how others feel.

Everyone wants to believe they accepted and cared for but when we allow our fears to push people away we are always searching for a temporary repair to fulfill our emotional needs.  We allow our physical desires to replace a lasting and fulfilling relationship which in the end destroys us and keeps us searching for the next thing.  Commitmentphobia is a word coined by authors Steven A. Carter and Julia Sokol in their book Men Who Can’t Love (1987).  It is a term used to describe a fear of commitment referring to those who avoid long-term relationships and/or marriage.  It might seem to only affect relationships but often it begins to spill over into other areas of our lives.  Commitment phobic’s claim that they are eager to find a lasting romantic relationship but they can never seem to find the right partner and/or maintain a lasting relationship.  They crave what they fear most:  love and connection.  It is a paradox because no matter how badly they want to commit their fear leads them into destructive patterns thus in the end destroying them and their partner emotionally.  They might feel trapped and/or that they will lose their freedom if they make a long-term commitment.

One potentially misleading aspect of commitmentphobic behavior is that the partner who is actively running away from commitment is not the only one with a problem. In fact, commitmentphobic behavior includes "settling" for inappropriate partners, pursuing unattainable partners, and engaging in instant relationship mergers as well as fleeing from what might have appeared to be a stable romance. Any persistent behavior that actively prevents a person from making a commitment or allows a person to make excuses for not having made a commitment can be considered commitmentphobic.

Authors Carter and Sokol handle this circumstance by describing "active" commitmentphobia, which is most strongly characterized by running away from relationships, and "passive" commitmentphobia, which is most strongly characterized by longsuffering devotion to an active partner who is running away, longing for a partner who has run away, and fantasy reconciliation scenarios.

I guess all of this research comes from my lack of understanding about the way people can go from one person to the next without thinking twice about what is going on internally.  We jump from one partner to the next without any emotional connectedness these days.  Of course we live in a society that sends us mixed messages because we see movies depicting the long-term marriage but the divorce rates are soaring.  Why can’t couples seem to make it work?  Personally (and this is MY opinion), I believe that it is so easy to leave and move to the next relationship.  It’s easier to start something new than to work with what you have.  We’re not satisfied with what we have because we get bored; look at what someone else has and want what they have (coveting!); see something that LOOKS better to the eye…whatever the reason, our society makes it OK to sleep around and relationship-hop.

I prefer to be in a relationship with someone who values me and my beliefs.  I am very easy-going however there are some points that I will just NOT bend (cheating, boundary violations, and lies are deal breakers).  We all seek comfort in a sincere person AND we all still want to possess some sense of freedom within some boundaries.  We cannot be in a relationship and loose our sense of self but we CAN be committed to that person and have a level of trust that is unwavering.  Loyalty is such a huge part of our relationship and when someone crosses the threshold of distrust then they are opening a door that is difficult to close (this is a whole different subject that I will write about another day!).

I have always been the type of person that evaluates the pros-and-cons when venturing into a relationship but I do not judge what the future might hold (with someone) by the actions of others from the past.  I do not hold the mistakes of others against what one might do to me in the future.  I also do not walk into a relationship with the fear that it might end, that’s just dooming it from the start.   I believe that we all have faults and make mistakes, no one is perfect, it is just the severity of the mistake and how it affects those we love that matters.  Carl Jung believed that with every positive action/thought we have an opposing negative thought (http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jungtype.htm).  I do believe that no matter how good we might be on the surface we still have some amount of dark thinking, it is how we react and handle those thoughts that matters.  We all want to make right choices when choosing a romantic partner so we have to evaluate the personal characteristics before we align our lives with them.  Their ability to maintain optimal behavior during the course of the relationship determines the quality of the relationship as a whole.  Again, people do make mistakes but the foundational beliefs are what matter in a partner.  We cannot allow the ‘warm fuzzy’ to cloud our judgment because that leads to our own emotional demise. 

DISCLAIMER:  I do believe that there are some relationships that just are NOT meant to be.  When it comes to destructive relationships I do believe that there should be an end to that.  No one should have to put up with physical and/or mental abuse (or both).  In this writing I am speaking in terms of a potential healthy and fulfilling relationship.