Invest

Artwork: Burning Passion by Laney DeGrasse

What have you done today to honor yourself and to build your confidence and self-worth?  Are you taking time for yourself?  Even if it is in one-minute increments, take the time to recharge your batteries and to honor yourself.

Transformation

Artwork: I'll Regret it Either Way by Laney Degrasse

Change is a constant force in our lives but instead of viewing change as a negative force, look at it as an opportunity to grow and learn. Transformation can be powerful. Yes, sometimes change hurts but even in those instances we can view it as a positive force that is molding us into a stronger , more resilient person. 

Self-Confidence

Artwork: Shadows by Laney Degrasse

Self care is not selfish, it’s necessary. Self love is not conceited, it is a requirement. Take care of your own needs and love yourself first. Be proud of yourself. Give yourself space and time to grow and train your mind to see your accomplishments instead of failures. Trust your intuition and know that you can handle anything. Let go of self-doubt, invest in yourself, and your mental health. You got this!! To learn about how hiring me as your coach can change your life, fill out the contact form (to the right).

Transparent

Artwork: Waves of Life by Laney DeGrasse

trans·par·ent

/transˈperənt/

adjective

adjective:

1. (of a material or article) allowing light to pass through so that objects behind can be distinctly seen.
2. easy to perceive or detect.

3. having thoughts, feelings, or motives that are easily perceived.

synonyms: obvious, evident, self-evident, undisguised, unconcealed, conspicuous, patent, clear, crystal clear, plain, (as) plain as the nose on your face, apparent, unmistakable, easily discerned, manifest, palpable, indisputable, unambiguous, unequivocal

antonyms: ambiguous, obscure

Stay true to yourself, yet always be open to learn. Work hard, and never give up on your dreams, even when nobody else believes they can come true but you. These are not cliches but real tools you need no matter what you do in life to stay focused on your path. ~Phillip Sweet

Just imagine becoming the way you used to be as a very young child, before you understood the meaning of any word, before opinions took over your mind. The real you is loving, joyful, and free. The real you is just like a flower, just like the wind, just like the ocean, just like the sun. ~Don Miguel Ruiz

I try to keep it real. I don't have time to worry about what I'm projecting to the world. I'm just busy being myself. ~Demi Lovato

If you have never heard the song True by Spandau Ballet, take a minute to listen.  For me, this song brings back a lot of peaceful and great memories.  When I did a search about the meaning of the song I found that it had been written as a love song to someone who did not know the true thoughts of the author.  Because it was a new relationship, he did not want to be foolish but he wanted her to know how he felt.  When we are in a new relationship it is difficult to say things that you might want to say for fear of being rejected--rejection is difficult to swallow but so is living behind a mask!  For me, I will live transparently no matter what happens.  I know that this is the only way for me to live in peace with myself.

Truth is a deep-seated and sincere desire to be loyal, faithful and steadfast in character—to live in reality and to be factual without variation.  If you are not a genuine person then are you truly living your best life?  Are you being true to yourself?  Why the need to hide behind a mask and be someone you are not?  Plain and simple….fear.  Fear that someone will not like you for the person that you are or are not!?  Fear is a gripping emotion and if we allow it to take root in our soul then we will never become the person that we WANT or NEED to be.  If you are searching for a relationship to find fulfillment in your life, then it will be difficult to find true happiness—first, you have to be true to yourself!  In reality, speaking truth is not only in words but in our actions too. 

Lies are not only the untruths that we tell, there is more than one way to tell a lie--lies by submission and lies by omission.  We can speak an untruth easily but when we hold back then we are also lying.  We might think that not saying something is not lying but it is!  Lies by omission are those things that we hold inside wishing that we’d said but never did!  We should never leave any good thing left unsaid because showing people your true, authentic self is the only way to life.  Do not live regret and wish that you’d said something that you felt about someone.  When your children, family, friends or partner does or says something that you have a good thought about….SAY IT!  It’s never too late to say something good to someone and we should never hold anything back for fear of rejection! 

Using your voice might be difficult, it was for me because that was not how I was raised.  I always heard, keep that to yourself because you might hurt their feelings.  Well, if they hurt MY feelings should I not say something?  Of course, holding those things back only creates resentment.  Speak up in a constructive way and let others know your thoughts and feelings.  It might be something that you have never done but start small, open your mouth and start seeing the results of living transparently.  Growth takes time and effort, it is difficult but it is also necessary.  When adversity comes my way, I stopped the self-pity and asking WHY ME!  Instead, believe that the situation will squeeze something great out of you!  When we are going through calamity we seem to look at the dark side of things but instead try to see something positive coming out of the circumstance. 

We should not compare ourselves, our story, or our situations with others but when things look the darkest try to put it all in perspective and seek something good instead of remaining in the black cloud!  We have to live a transparent life in order to obtain the happiness that we wish to someday have—being honest with ourselves is important.  We cannot keep wish for the next good thing until to happen to make us happy!  Happiness comes today, right now…in the middle of the darkest hour you can make a choice to be happy because it comes from within!

Truth, honor, respect and integrity…the four pillars of a sold relationship.  I write so much about relationships and building a good foundation because over the years I have learned that nothing is more important than great relationships.  I have relinquished my power in some relationships but I will not allow that to happen in the future, I lost myself.  I want solid foundations with everyone in my life and if I say too much about my feelings then I guess that person was not supposed to be IN my life.  This goes not just for romantic relationships but also with friends and family.  Of course, I am not fond of being single but my life is rich and full without a partner and a great partner will only enhance the wonderful life that I live!  In that or any relationship I must have complete truth, honor, respect and integrity before I will be happy.  I will not change myself for someone else, tried that and it was a miserable existence.  I must always be myself, this might seem like a no-brainer for some but for me, it was what I felt that I had to do to keep my relationships happy—but I was not. 

It was crazy for me to realize that I was enough, that I was just fine the way that I was built, and that someone could love me just as I am.  It was a long road to healing because I used to allow myself to be treated any way just to keep the peace, I cannot do that because I held a lot of resentment and discontent inside.  Those feelings began to overtake the happiness and eat away at the relationship.  My past was, at times, dark place, full of lies and deceit and cluttered relationships.  I learned that living transparently is the best option for me.  It goes without saying that everything is perfect for me, sometimes troubles come but I do my best to be honest and open.  Living transparently allows me to feel my emotions without judgement, I do not try to fix myself or what I am feeling but I do try to understand why I am feeling in such a way.  The creation from this process is a power that comes from within.  It is a peace and freedom of one’s self. 

Transparency is intentionally baring your soul to the world by showing your true self to others.  Some hide their true selves for fear of rejection, lack of self-confidence, broken-hearts, or lack of fulfillment in life; there are many reasons a person will hold back who they are.  When a person hides behind this veil, they are robbing themselves of a happy and contented life.  Transparency reveals the character of a person--fear, rejection, low self-esteem, and broken hearts (to name a few) create uneasiness within us and this leads to internal negative thoughts.  These things tend to drown out our essence; the same place transparency grows from.  Transparency removes feelings of uneasiness and drowns out the negative internal voices; this process builds power from within and helps to create positive living.

If you are interested in learning how to live transparently, contact me to book your free session.  Learning to live in this way should be done with a trusted source, a person that is non-judgmental and will support your growth—this is how I am with my coaching clients (refer to the Life Coaching link, above).

This week try these exercises in your journal and reflection time:

• Note the things that prevent you from living a transparent life.

• What actions can you implement to become more transparent?

• What benefits do you think you would obtain by living transparently?

• What risks are you willing to take to live transparently?

Come back and share in the comments.  I would love to hear how things are going in your personal growth.

   

Ambivalence

Artwork by Laney DeGrasse (c)

–noun

–    Uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.

–    Psychology. The coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

–    The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings, such as love and hate, toward a person, object, or idea.

–    Uncertainty or indecisiveness as to which course to follow.

–    simultaneous conflicting feelings," 1924, from Ger. Ambivalenz , coined 1910 by Swiss psychologist Eugen Bleuler (18571939) on model of Ger. Equivalenz  "equivalence," etc., from L. ambi-  "both" (see ambi-) + valentia  "strength," from prp. of valere  "be strong" (see valiant). A psychological term that by 1929 had taken on a broader literary and general sense.

Often, if there's something that I want to do, but somehow can't get myself to do, it's because I don't have clarity. This lack of clarity often arises from a feeling of ambivalence - I want to do something, but I don't want to do it; or I want one thing, but I also want something else that conflicts with it. -Gretchen Rubin

Ambivalence is like carbon monoxide - undetectable yet deadly. -Cherie Carter-Scott

I read the word ‘ambivalent’ today while reading an article about commitment and being the ever-enquiring mind I wanted to do some more research.  Of course it is a word that I’ve heard before but digging deeper into the subject made me ever-curious to know more.  In today’s world what is a normal relationship?  Does anyone have a moral compass these days?  We live in a society where whatever feels good goes.  I understand that times change however have we lost our morality in the process?  Do we live by what is in the moment or do we live for what the future might hold for us?  Are we so afraid of things that we begin to allow ambivalence to cloud our judgment?  Why do we constantly search for something better?  Are we so afraid of commitment that we are constantly pushing things away from us?

I was reading the blog Commitment Phobia and the author states that this is something that is deeply rooted in fear.  This Phobia is a crippling fear of losing our options and/or of making bad decisions.  Those that carry this fear are so afraid of making bad decisions that they are afraid to commit to anything, especially relationships.  Of course they crave good relationships however they avoid taking ownership of their own feelings and avoid ties and commitments.  The desire to have a meaningful relationship is there but fear leads them to keeping everyone at arm’s length.  Since we live in a sexually promiscuous society we encourage a false sense of intimacy in our lives and live for what feels right in the moment, the instant gratification replaces the satisfaction of a committed and everlasting love.  I can see how this is not all bad because it prevents one from jumping too quickly but it also can push those away that we love the most.  “Commitment phobia is rooted in the belief that when we love someone, you are responsible for their feelings rather than our own.”  This is a profound statement because I do think that we have to consider the feelings of others when we make decisions but I am not sure that we need to be responsible for how others feel.

Everyone wants to believe they accepted and cared for but when we allow our fears to push people away we are always searching for a temporary repair to fulfill our emotional needs.  We allow our physical desires to replace a lasting and fulfilling relationship which in the end destroys us and keeps us searching for the next thing.  Commitmentphobia is a word coined by authors Steven A. Carter and Julia Sokol in their book Men Who Can’t Love (1987).  It is a term used to describe a fear of commitment referring to those who avoid long-term relationships and/or marriage.  It might seem to only affect relationships but often it begins to spill over into other areas of our lives.  Commitment phobic’s claim that they are eager to find a lasting romantic relationship but they can never seem to find the right partner and/or maintain a lasting relationship.  They crave what they fear most:  love and connection.  It is a paradox because no matter how badly they want to commit their fear leads them into destructive patterns thus in the end destroying them and their partner emotionally.  They might feel trapped and/or that they will lose their freedom if they make a long-term commitment.

One potentially misleading aspect of commitmentphobic behavior is that the partner who is actively running away from commitment is not the only one with a problem. In fact, commitmentphobic behavior includes "settling" for inappropriate partners, pursuing unattainable partners, and engaging in instant relationship mergers as well as fleeing from what might have appeared to be a stable romance. Any persistent behavior that actively prevents a person from making a commitment or allows a person to make excuses for not having made a commitment can be considered commitmentphobic.

Authors Carter and Sokol handle this circumstance by describing "active" commitmentphobia, which is most strongly characterized by running away from relationships, and "passive" commitmentphobia, which is most strongly characterized by longsuffering devotion to an active partner who is running away, longing for a partner who has run away, and fantasy reconciliation scenarios.

I guess all of this research comes from my lack of understanding about the way people can go from one person to the next without thinking twice about what is going on internally.  We jump from one partner to the next without any emotional connectedness these days.  Of course we live in a society that sends us mixed messages because we see movies depicting the long-term marriage but the divorce rates are soaring.  Why can’t couples seem to make it work?  Personally (and this is MY opinion), I believe that it is so easy to leave and move to the next relationship.  It’s easier to start something new than to work with what you have.  We’re not satisfied with what we have because we get bored; look at what someone else has and want what they have (coveting!); see something that LOOKS better to the eye…whatever the reason, our society makes it OK to sleep around and relationship-hop.

I prefer to be in a relationship with someone who values me and my beliefs.  I am very easy-going however there are some points that I will just NOT bend (cheating, boundary violations, and lies are deal breakers).  We all seek comfort in a sincere person AND we all still want to possess some sense of freedom within some boundaries.  We cannot be in a relationship and loose our sense of self but we CAN be committed to that person and have a level of trust that is unwavering.  Loyalty is such a huge part of our relationship and when someone crosses the threshold of distrust then they are opening a door that is difficult to close (this is a whole different subject that I will write about another day!).

I have always been the type of person that evaluates the pros-and-cons when venturing into a relationship but I do not judge what the future might hold (with someone) by the actions of others from the past.  I do not hold the mistakes of others against what one might do to me in the future.  I also do not walk into a relationship with the fear that it might end, that’s just dooming it from the start.   I believe that we all have faults and make mistakes, no one is perfect, it is just the severity of the mistake and how it affects those we love that matters.  Carl Jung believed that with every positive action/thought we have an opposing negative thought (http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jungtype.htm).  I do believe that no matter how good we might be on the surface we still have some amount of dark thinking, it is how we react and handle those thoughts that matters.  We all want to make right choices when choosing a romantic partner so we have to evaluate the personal characteristics before we align our lives with them.  Their ability to maintain optimal behavior during the course of the relationship determines the quality of the relationship as a whole.  Again, people do make mistakes but the foundational beliefs are what matter in a partner.  We cannot allow the ‘warm fuzzy’ to cloud our judgment because that leads to our own emotional demise. 

DISCLAIMER:  I do believe that there are some relationships that just are NOT meant to be.  When it comes to destructive relationships I do believe that there should be an end to that.  No one should have to put up with physical and/or mental abuse (or both).  In this writing I am speaking in terms of a potential healthy and fulfilling relationship.

BE

Artwork by Laney DeGrasse

Intuition

in·tu·i·tion

/int(y)o͞oˈiSH(ə)n/

Noun

• The ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. 

Synonyms: instinct, intuitiveness.

• A thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning.  Synonyms:  hunch, feeling (in one's bones), inkling, (sneaking) suspicion, idea, sense, notion.

You will never follow your own inner voice until you clear up the doubts in your mind. ― Roy T. Bennett

Intuition is like reading a word without having to spell it out. A child can't do that because it has had so little experience. A grown-up person knows the word because they've seen it often before.” ― Agatha Christie

The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift. –Albert Einstein

Women know intuitively when they are being devalued. ― Robyn Silverman

Would it be great if we had an internal navigation that could tell us the direction to go when we feel lost or unsure about a situation!?!  Even if you do not hear that electronic voice giving you directions, we all have an internal compass that leads and directs…IF we chose to listen.  This voice guides, prepares, and warns us; we just need to learn to listen and tap-into this guide.  Often, we learn to fear or mistrust this voice because of life experiences that led us to doubt ourselves and to worry that our intuition betrayed us.  Whether it was someone, something, or a situation of our own making that made us feel this way, we can still tap back into it and learn how to listen.  There are three ways to find direction in your life: intellectually, emotionally, and intuitively.  If we hope to make the best decisions, we need a balance of intuition to bridge the gap between our instinct and reason while taking time to make sense of the situation. 

Have you ever made a decision and immediately started to feel sick, maybe even started to perspire? That is the body’s way of telling you that the decision your analytic mind came to is at odds with your instinct.  I made a series of choices that went against my inner voice; because of these choices, I no longer trusted my ability to make good decisions.  After much introspection, I learned that it was not my inner voice that lied, it was my intellect and emotions that betrayed me.  I have since learned how to reconnect to the power and to trust the process with very little worry or fear.  I found that when I ignored that voice I carried a lot of anxiety and distress but when I trust what my gut and body tell me, I have peace every time.  I had to re-learn how to listen and to reconnect with myself and to learn to be still and quiet the external chatter so that I could hear what my intuition was trying to tell me. 

Many things can distract or stifle intuition, constant busyness, stress, and burnout are rated right at the top of reasons that our intuitive process if out-of-whack.  We all have that intuitive sense when we meet someone or are in a situation and we know deep within us if that person or situation is good for us or not.  We have to disconnect, step away from distractions if we want to re-awaken and trust in our intuition--we have to pay attention.  Slow down and listen—take a walk, sit quietly, or take a bubble bath.  Allow your mind to slow down and be quiet.  Tap into and listen to that gut feeling instead of dismissing or doubting it.

Meditation, mindfulness, and yoga have given me the ability to focus on being in the moment, filtering out all distractions, and to hear my intuition loud and clear.  Taking time alone helped me to get in touch with my intuition.  I found that solitude gave me the chance to think creatively and to connect to my deepest inner sensations.  I started meditating and using other mindfulness practices to help to filter out the mental chatter and to objectively think; this helps me to make the right decision that I can trust and gives me a sense of peace moving forward. One great thing about these mindfulness practices is that it has helped me to know myself again.  I do not discount my analytical mind or my critical thinking skills, I just listen to my gut feelings instead of dismissing or discounting it.  I found that using all of these skills together have given me a system of checks and balances and helped me to stop talking myself out of what my intuition knows to be true.

My mindfulness practices help me to FEEL strong emotions.  I went through a long period of feeling numb…no joy, no sad, no contentment, nothing….NUMB.  I was disconnected from myself in every way imaginable.  By learning to feel, even the negative emotions, it allows me to process them and to understand the source of these emotions.  Strong negative emotions tend to cloud my judgement, I feel out of sorts…not myself, when I am upset.  If I am feeling angry, I know that this is an ‘iceberg emotion’ so there is something lying underneath this feeling.  Iceberg emotions are what is on the surface but not truly an emotion that tells me what is going on.  I have found that when I am upset, I tend to do a lot better processing these emotions if I mindfully accept and let go of these emotions—if I ‘stuff’ them I tend to dwell on them and overthink the situation.  I try to find something positive even in the negative, sometimes it is more difficult than others but there is ALWAYS something positive to be found there.

I journal a lot so, I jot down when something does not feel right; this also helps me to step back and to think empathetically, creatively, and peacefully.  I pay attention to what my body is telling me, if I feel tense or uneasy I try to tap into the reasons why I am feeling this way.  I have learned that listening to how my body feels around people or in my surroundings is important.  If I start feeling a sinking feeling in my stomach, tenseness in my shoulders, or anything that is not quite right—that is my body telling me to stop, think, and figure out what is going on. 

I am very empathetic—some might call this corny or kooky—but I can sense what others are feeling.  If I am tuned in to my own emotions, I can observe and listen to what others are feeling.  The scientific term for this is empathic accuracy, it is simply an awareness about what others are thinking and feeling.  I read body language and the tone of their voice—this is difficult to decipher via email or text but even then, if I pay attention, I can understand the underlying messages.  I find that if I do this then, I can form and nurture deeper connections with others.  This also helps me to find the source of any negative or strong emotions that I feel towards others.

Finally, I learned to pay attention to my dreams--our dreams are our unconscious telling us to pay attention.  I keep a journal next to my bed so, if I wake up I write it down immediately.  I do a bit of research to find-out what my dreams are trying to tell me.  Science has proven that our dreams are the way that our unconscious mind sends us messages.  Our dreams are often manifestations of our intuition sending us a message.  Some of my dreams are nonsense but I still question the source of the dream and what I can learn from it. 

Yes, this might be a lot to process but stop to think about how you can tap into your intuition.  Grab your journal and this week, journal about these questions:

• How do you listen to your intuition?
• What does this feel like in your body?
• How does your body react?  Are you tense?  Peaceful?
• What does this look like?
• If there is any risk involved, do you trust yourself and your intuition?  Write five things about this situation that feel risky.  How do they feel? 
• Do you challenge the risks?  How does that feel?
• Be calm and listen.  Do you hear your intuition speaking to you?  How?  Write it down.
• Is the right decision for me at this time?  Why or why not?
• What is my goal in making this decision?  How does this feel in my body?  Can you tap into your intuition to understand what it is saying?
• What is one small step that you can take today to move closer to your goal?  Write down one thing that you can do every day to move you closer to your goal.

This week, take time to sit quietly and listen.  Trust, and listen to the sensations in your body. Let them be your inner guides to your authentic self.  Do not be harsh with yourself, do not beat yourself up, do not be critical, just listen.  Be patient and journal about what you are thinking and feeling.  Learn to still your mind and be patient, tap back into and trust your intuition through that stillness and peace.  Journal about what you see, feel, hear, and notice in your mind and body.  Listen.  Trust.  Believe.  Leave a comment (below) about the time that you spent with yourself.

If you are having a difficult time, contact me (use the ‘contact me’ form) to set up your free coaching session to discuss how we can work together to find your way.  Intuition is a powerful force of the mind that can help you to make better decisions.  Learning to listen is a skill that will help you to find your way, to find your voice.  I can help you to learn new habits and to find your way back inside to trust yourself again. 

On a side note, I am working on putting together a free journal for you.  It will be published in the coming weeks so, if you follow me on social media or follow my blog via email (sign up to the right) you will be the first to know!  Exciting stuff coming....do not miss it!!