Expectations

Artwork: Hearts on Fire by Laney DeGrasse

ex·pec·ta·tions

/ekspekˈtāSH(ə)n/

noun

1.    a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

2.    a belief that someone will or should achieve something.

Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.  ~Mother Theresa 

I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it’s not what the world holds for you, it’s what you bring to it. ~Anne Shirley

Last night during my meditation time, I spent a lot of time in reflection about this past weekend.  Spending time with friends that are more like family than any family that I have had in my life.  Meeting new people, visiting new places, and just plain enjoying life.  I finally feel like I have found my place in life, like I have found my tribe—people that understand me at my core without judgement. People that are there to share the sorrows and tears but also there to share the joys and laughter.  These people have my back, no matter what; there is such a peace in knowing that I am not alone in this world.  It got me to thinking about kindred spirits and relationships.  Relationships are very important in our lives, if a person thinks that they can march this life alone, they are very wrong.  We are relational beings, that is how we are designed so you cannot escape that internal yearning to belong to a tribe or a people that ‘get’ you.  When you meet someone new, we all wear that ‘mask’ to try to fit-in but as the relationship progresses we begin to show who we really are deep inside.  If the relationship is between kindred spirits, then there is not fear of being completely open and transparent.  If the relationship is without true connection, then it is best to keep your secrets to yourself because those relationships do not have your best interests at heart. 

I am going to switch gears and talk about our most intimate relationships with a romantic partner.  Being in the field of study that I am in I understand the anatomy of relationships and how they work.  Romantic relationships go through five distinct phases:  attraction, idealized positive transference (or the honeymoon), reality, commitment, and then eventually marriage.  Of course, everyone wants to be in a successful relationship but how is it possible when there is distance (either physical, intellectual, or spiritual) between you?  Building and maintaining a successful relationship is about commitment with a kindred soul—one that matches your own.  Finding that person might be difficult but when and if you do then you have to have the emotional maturity and the ability to sustain a lasting bond with one another and to let go of the thought that they are in charge ow how you feel—zero expectations.  Relationships need to be cultivated, nourished, and maintained in order to create and KEEP the bond strong.  Having and showing mutual unconditional love to one another is not something that is altogether spiritual nor is it a mystical concept, it is necessary.

When we find that person, we tend to let the frustrations get in the way of loving them unconditionally.  We forget that we had that connection in the beginning and as soon as the ‘warm fuzzy’ feeling that they gave to us wears away, we are not sure how the relationship can last.  As selfish as it sounds, showing unconditional love to your partner is more about YOU.  In the most selfish way, you get to experience feelings that you want to feel and they reap the benefits of your actions of love towards them.  You decide how you think and feel, when we start to think that it is not a choice then we begin to feel sad, angry, frustrated, etc.  Again, YOU chose how you feel, your partner does not dictate your feelings by doing anything.  As much as you feel love for your partner, they cannot MAKE you feel a certain way, that is your job to feel your feelings and control your thinking (thoughts create feelings).  You cannot ask your partner to change anything about themselves in order for you to feel better about your relationship. 

Loving someone is the most amazing feeling that we get to feel but you have to claim that feeling every day.  Loving someone is our choice, we have to decide if we want to feel it or not to feel it towards our partner.  When you have selected THE right person for you then those feelings are easier but if you are with someone because you are lonely or just want companionship then, those feelings are more difficult to find.  When you start getting frustrated about your partner’s lack of something ((s)he does not pick up his socks, (s)he leaves dishes in the sink, (s)he is always late, etc.) or because of something that (s)he did then the truth is that your love for this person is not truly unconditional.  You are putting expectations on this person to MAKE you love them—your thinking is not in line with the true meaning of unconditional love.  When we love someone is not a benefit to THEM, it is a benefit to YOU.  You are in control of those feelings; their actions do not dictate your love.  One of my clients said that she could no longer love her husband because of the way he made her feel.  My question is why are his actions dictating how YOU feel?  Byron Katie says, "I love you and there's nothing you can do about it."  You get to love someone without their consent, you do not stop just because someone did something that did not meet your expectations.

We enter relationships with a list of expectations, needs, and desires then we expect our partner to fulfill those things for us.  When they fall short (and they will) we begin to get frustrated with them.  You get to love someone because that is something that you chose to feel no matter what they do.  Now, I am not suggesting that you stay in an abusive situation just because you love someone—you must be safe from harm at all times!  If your partner is disrespectful, rude, controlling, etc. then you are in charge of how you interpret their behavior and you are responsible for how you respond.  You are the only one in charge of your feelings and if someone is constantly bringing you down then, find out why. You have the freedom to love someone deeply but not want to live with them but you cannot decide that you will be happy if your circumstances change.  If you stay or go, your thoughts go with you and leaving will not change your thoughts but you WILL carry them into the next relationship.

When you have a thought you create a feeling, those feelings create actions, and ultimately results.  If you are living an unconscious life then you will not feel emotions but if you have a thinking brain then you will feel emotions.  Nothing happens in our world that does not make us think and then feel something about that event.  Happiness is an inside job, it is inside you wherever you go your thoughts and emotions are there.  Just because your partner is not there does not mean that you can be happy OR unhappy.  You cannot blame someone else for your unhappiness, that is your responsibility.  You are in charge of your own feelings, do not decide to be happy because of external events or relationships.  Your internal emotions are just that, internal.  You cannot keep changing circumstances to find your happiness, you have to figure out how to feel happy right where you are. 

If you are in a relationship and not ‘feeling love’ towards them are you expecting them to make you love them?  If you are unhappy, why are YOU feeling this way?  Are you putting expectations on them to make you feel something?  Are you expecting them to love you first before you love them?  You get to decide how you feel and if you are not feeling love then it is because of something that you are thinking not because of something that they are doing.  If you are thinking, what is the point of having a romantic relationship if their sole purpose is NOT to make you feel loved?  It does not matter if they love you, that is their emotions to own, not yours; you are in charge of your emotions and how you think and feel.  Your partner’s only job in your life is to be available for YOU to love them, to give you an object of affection, and to build lasting memories together. 

Do not give the power to someone else, be in charge of your thoughts and emotions.  Do not expect them to make you feel love, that is emotional bondage in a relationship.  It can be a huge turning point in your life when you figure out that you are in charge of your own happiness; stop expecting others to meet your needs.  It is difficult to wrap our minds around this concept because we have been taught to have expectations in our relationships but if we continue this thinking then we will continue to be disappointed.  If you are searching for peace in your relationship, drop the expectations and see what happens!  When you stop trying to change your partner and just appreciate them for who they are, your relationship will change.  If you are always trying to control your partner, asking them to be a different person, trying to control them, criticizing them for their behavior, or asking them to do things in order for you to feel appreciated then you have to determine if you are providing those things for yourself.  You cannot manipulate how they feel or act, it is impossible to change them and it is exhausting to try. 

Think about someone in your life that you find difficult to love. Are you blaming them for your lack of love for them?  If you are then you are giving them a free pass to your thoughts, that is not their job to make you feel anything towards them.  When you chose to feel hatred or any negative emotion towards another person then you are the only one suffering the effects of that, not them.  This thinking is based on the false assumption that they benefit from your love.  Withholding love because you fear being hurt is not something that you can control.  To deny feeling a positive emotion (love) because you fear of experiencing a negative emotion (hurt, pain, etc.) does not make sense.  You are responsible for how you feel, as soon as you blame others for how you are feeling, then you lose all power and emotional maturity.  If you want to see personal growth, decide to be in control of yourself. 

This week, make a list of reasons why you are not feeling loved or loving.  What is behind this?  Write down the reasons that your partner or person in your life is difficult to love.  Are you trying to make them responsible for your feelings?  Are you asking them to meet your expectations and needs? 

If you need help finding that love for yourself or need to figure out how to control your thinking, contact me today for your fee coaching session to learn how we can work together to help you find your way back inside.  I would also love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Transparent

Artwork: Waves of Life by Laney DeGrasse

trans·par·ent

/transˈperənt/

adjective

adjective:

1. (of a material or article) allowing light to pass through so that objects behind can be distinctly seen.
2. easy to perceive or detect.

3. having thoughts, feelings, or motives that are easily perceived.

synonyms: obvious, evident, self-evident, undisguised, unconcealed, conspicuous, patent, clear, crystal clear, plain, (as) plain as the nose on your face, apparent, unmistakable, easily discerned, manifest, palpable, indisputable, unambiguous, unequivocal

antonyms: ambiguous, obscure

Stay true to yourself, yet always be open to learn. Work hard, and never give up on your dreams, even when nobody else believes they can come true but you. These are not cliches but real tools you need no matter what you do in life to stay focused on your path. ~Phillip Sweet

Just imagine becoming the way you used to be as a very young child, before you understood the meaning of any word, before opinions took over your mind. The real you is loving, joyful, and free. The real you is just like a flower, just like the wind, just like the ocean, just like the sun. ~Don Miguel Ruiz

I try to keep it real. I don't have time to worry about what I'm projecting to the world. I'm just busy being myself. ~Demi Lovato

If you have never heard the song True by Spandau Ballet, take a minute to listen.  For me, this song brings back a lot of peaceful and great memories.  When I did a search about the meaning of the song I found that it had been written as a love song to someone who did not know the true thoughts of the author.  Because it was a new relationship, he did not want to be foolish but he wanted her to know how he felt.  When we are in a new relationship it is difficult to say things that you might want to say for fear of being rejected--rejection is difficult to swallow but so is living behind a mask!  For me, I will live transparently no matter what happens.  I know that this is the only way for me to live in peace with myself.

Truth is a deep-seated and sincere desire to be loyal, faithful and steadfast in character—to live in reality and to be factual without variation.  If you are not a genuine person then are you truly living your best life?  Are you being true to yourself?  Why the need to hide behind a mask and be someone you are not?  Plain and simple….fear.  Fear that someone will not like you for the person that you are or are not!?  Fear is a gripping emotion and if we allow it to take root in our soul then we will never become the person that we WANT or NEED to be.  If you are searching for a relationship to find fulfillment in your life, then it will be difficult to find true happiness—first, you have to be true to yourself!  In reality, speaking truth is not only in words but in our actions too. 

Lies are not only the untruths that we tell, there is more than one way to tell a lie--lies by submission and lies by omission.  We can speak an untruth easily but when we hold back then we are also lying.  We might think that not saying something is not lying but it is!  Lies by omission are those things that we hold inside wishing that we’d said but never did!  We should never leave any good thing left unsaid because showing people your true, authentic self is the only way to life.  Do not live regret and wish that you’d said something that you felt about someone.  When your children, family, friends or partner does or says something that you have a good thought about….SAY IT!  It’s never too late to say something good to someone and we should never hold anything back for fear of rejection! 

Using your voice might be difficult, it was for me because that was not how I was raised.  I always heard, keep that to yourself because you might hurt their feelings.  Well, if they hurt MY feelings should I not say something?  Of course, holding those things back only creates resentment.  Speak up in a constructive way and let others know your thoughts and feelings.  It might be something that you have never done but start small, open your mouth and start seeing the results of living transparently.  Growth takes time and effort, it is difficult but it is also necessary.  When adversity comes my way, I stopped the self-pity and asking WHY ME!  Instead, believe that the situation will squeeze something great out of you!  When we are going through calamity we seem to look at the dark side of things but instead try to see something positive coming out of the circumstance. 

We should not compare ourselves, our story, or our situations with others but when things look the darkest try to put it all in perspective and seek something good instead of remaining in the black cloud!  We have to live a transparent life in order to obtain the happiness that we wish to someday have—being honest with ourselves is important.  We cannot keep wish for the next good thing until to happen to make us happy!  Happiness comes today, right now…in the middle of the darkest hour you can make a choice to be happy because it comes from within!

Truth, honor, respect and integrity…the four pillars of a sold relationship.  I write so much about relationships and building a good foundation because over the years I have learned that nothing is more important than great relationships.  I have relinquished my power in some relationships but I will not allow that to happen in the future, I lost myself.  I want solid foundations with everyone in my life and if I say too much about my feelings then I guess that person was not supposed to be IN my life.  This goes not just for romantic relationships but also with friends and family.  Of course, I am not fond of being single but my life is rich and full without a partner and a great partner will only enhance the wonderful life that I live!  In that or any relationship I must have complete truth, honor, respect and integrity before I will be happy.  I will not change myself for someone else, tried that and it was a miserable existence.  I must always be myself, this might seem like a no-brainer for some but for me, it was what I felt that I had to do to keep my relationships happy—but I was not. 

It was crazy for me to realize that I was enough, that I was just fine the way that I was built, and that someone could love me just as I am.  It was a long road to healing because I used to allow myself to be treated any way just to keep the peace, I cannot do that because I held a lot of resentment and discontent inside.  Those feelings began to overtake the happiness and eat away at the relationship.  My past was, at times, dark place, full of lies and deceit and cluttered relationships.  I learned that living transparently is the best option for me.  It goes without saying that everything is perfect for me, sometimes troubles come but I do my best to be honest and open.  Living transparently allows me to feel my emotions without judgement, I do not try to fix myself or what I am feeling but I do try to understand why I am feeling in such a way.  The creation from this process is a power that comes from within.  It is a peace and freedom of one’s self. 

Transparency is intentionally baring your soul to the world by showing your true self to others.  Some hide their true selves for fear of rejection, lack of self-confidence, broken-hearts, or lack of fulfillment in life; there are many reasons a person will hold back who they are.  When a person hides behind this veil, they are robbing themselves of a happy and contented life.  Transparency reveals the character of a person--fear, rejection, low self-esteem, and broken hearts (to name a few) create uneasiness within us and this leads to internal negative thoughts.  These things tend to drown out our essence; the same place transparency grows from.  Transparency removes feelings of uneasiness and drowns out the negative internal voices; this process builds power from within and helps to create positive living.

If you are interested in learning how to live transparently, contact me to book your free session.  Learning to live in this way should be done with a trusted source, a person that is non-judgmental and will support your growth—this is how I am with my coaching clients (refer to the Life Coaching link, above).

This week try these exercises in your journal and reflection time:

• Note the things that prevent you from living a transparent life.

• What actions can you implement to become more transparent?

• What benefits do you think you would obtain by living transparently?

• What risks are you willing to take to live transparently?

Come back and share in the comments.  I would love to hear how things are going in your personal growth.

   

Lost, Part I

“Before you can be anything, you have to be yourself. That's the hardest thing to find.” 

― E.L. Konigsburg

Do you ever find yourself wondering who you are?  Have you lost yourself in something, a relationship, a job, raising children, etc.? Sometimes it take a devastating event to bring us to the realization that we (me) is not there anymore.  Where did I get lost?  Why did I get lost? How did it happen and when?  This is my current state.

I have spent a lot of years raising kids and trying to hold an unsustainable relationship together that I forgot to remember that I am important too.  Trying to please and care for others is exhausting especially, if you don't take care of yourself.  I put my trust and self-worth in those relationships but now that those are all gone, I find myself wondering where I am and what makes me happy?  What makes my skin tingle?  What makes my eyes sparkle?  What brings me peace of mind?  Where do I feel most comfortable?  What do I truly love doing?  I am on the journey inside (again) to figure these things out.  I need to find that true joy and contentment in myself and not give it away to others, I have done that most of my life.

   

Losing it!

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you 
always got.

In 2002, I found myself tipping the scales at 189 pounds…at 5’4” I was not healthy.  I began to see the results of my overeating, pre-diabetic, high cholesterol (needing meds), feeling lethargic, and just a generally unhappy mood.  I was eating my emotions, I was depressed, sad, lonely, and stuck in a very unhealthy relationship.  I decided that I had to change things, for myself and not for anyone else because I did not like the person that I saw in the mirror.

I began slowly, walking every morning, eliminating my trigger foods, and making emotional and environmental changes.  I dropped a few pounds but it always seemed to come back with a vengeance.  I decided that I had to make some MAJOR changes, otherwise I would not have the ability to truly be happy…not with my weight but with my life in general.  I started back to school, got a job, and left my co-dependent relationship.  It was NOT easy and VERY scary to be on my own with three young children but the major contributing factor in my weight-gain WAS the co-dependency, food was the only thing that I could control.  I left because of my girls but found that my life improved just as much as theirs did.

Since 2002, my life has taken some major roads.  I have lost almost 50 pounds, graduated with two Bachelor ’s degrees, and found someone that supports me, THE one.  No, my weight loss was not the only thing that was important to me but it was near the top simply because I wanted to thrive in life rather than just tread water.  Yes, I was breathing and I did have things to be thankful for but I was not thriving, not because of the extra pounds but because of the weight of dependency.  I had to learn how to depend on myself before I could make healthy choices and stick to a workout regime.  Today, I depend on those workouts because they give me energy, stamina, and an overall great feeling.

Finally, I wanted my girls to know that living in an unhealthy relationship and living an unhealthy lifestyle is not conducive to living a happy life.  Yes, the separation was difficult for them but they can look back on that time and understand why I made the choices that I made…for them to be free from seeing/living that example.  They see what a healthy relationship is like (now) and know that you do not have to be dependent on anyone for your happiness.  Lessons that I had to learn the hard way.  The weight loss was more than on the scale….it carried over into all parts of my life.

Silenced

No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow. -Alice Walker

Silence about a thing just magnifies it.  -TENNESSEE WILLIAMS, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

I am reading two books and I would like to share some thoughts about them.  These books are How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women and Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead.  Both of these books have one thing in common, how women are silent about many things that we should not be afraid to say.  Some of this silence is because of our own shortened self-confidence while some of it comes from stereotypical views of the world.  In the workplace, women tend to stand in the background holding us back from filling higher-ranking positions.  In our marriage, we silence ourselves because we feel as though we are unheard or overburdened. 

How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women contains some  straightforward advice for women (and men) regarding recapturing our marriages through effective communication.  Women need their emotional needs to be met by their spouse but often do not speak-up to tell their spouse what they truly need.  Healthy marriages are built upon a healthy foundation of communication and mutual respect; we must continually restore our marriage everyday in order to preserve the sanctity and relational intimacy of our relationship.  We must communicate authentically with our spouse in order to ensure that our marriage does not fall into a state of disrepair.  I know this on a personal level because I tend to stay silent when I should be sharing the deepest parts of me with my spouse.  I am silent because I am afraid and I was raised in a way that taught me that women should grin in bear it; this is not real life and we should not be silent just to keep the peace.

Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead speaks about the role women play in the workplace and how we tend to sit in the background and not use our voices for fear of criticism or being thought of as too direct.  Women are making great strides to break through the proverbial glass ceiling but we need to speak up more often to see the workplace culture change.  We have to do this for our daughters that will be moving into these positions in the future.  We have to speak up and realize that a passive attitude toward our career is unacceptable.  We have to ask the tough questions and demand that our voice be heard because we ARE qualified to share our opinions otherwise women will continue to go unheard. 

I share these thoughts because I personally struggle with that internal voice telling me that I am not good enough, not qualified, or not valued enough to speak up at home and in the workplace.  I need to continue to build my internal courage to tell myself that I can have those conversations that will build my marriage and my career.  I do not want to be silent anymore.  What are your thoughts?