Fear

You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith. ~Mary Manin Morrissey

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. ~Marie Curie

Fear is a darkroom where negatives develop. ~Usman B. Asif

There are times when fear is good. It must keep its watchful place at the heart's controls. ~Aeschylus

He who fears something gives it power over him. ~Moorish Proverb

There are so many great quotes about fear because it can be a crippling emotion and it consumes us if we allow it to take control. I just finished the book Act Like a Lady / Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey. It is a very interesting read but one that opened my eyes to some things that I have and still do in relationships. The final chapter (basically) talks about how to get what you want and deserve in a relationship. Of course I am a realist and I know that there is no perfect relationship but settling for much less than you deserve is not being true to yourself. All too often we settle for too many of the ‘deal breakers’ and end up becoming another “heartbreak story.” I think that it’s very important to sit down BEFORE you start dating or before you are too emotionally involved and list your ‘must haves’ as well as the things that you cannot or will not tolerate.

I will be very transparent here and say that I am not good at being single. This does not mean that I want to rush into a relationship just for the sake of having someone around. I have settled my entire life and now I am just tired of the games and lack of respect that I have allowed. My previous relationship was a train wreck from day one. I should have known to run when he uttered a very un-emotional phrase after what I thought was an amorous act. I would not consider myself an emotionally unstable person what-so-ever but I think that I was in an emotionally vulnerable place otherwise I would not have even been in the situation to begin with!

Did I love him…..I don’t think so. HAVE I ever loved someone….I think that I can truly say that I have loved two men in my life. Do I want to be in love….YES, but not at the expense of my own self-respect! I will never allow someone to consume my self-respect again! My daughter put it very well the other day when I was frustrated that people do not understand that I could NEVER go back to that….she said, “Mom, they were not there so they can’t understand how you feel.” Out of the mouths of babes! Sometimes they make so much more sense than adults!

I can say with 100% certainty, I will NEVER settle again. Either it is or it is not. I do not have to have a man to feel secure but sharing the load sure helps! I realize that men who have not had great track record with past relationships are more-than-likely to run out on me too. Why am I different than those other women? In the book it talks about telling the man whom you find yourself involved with what you expect when you feel as though it might be going somewhere. Women as a species want clarity in their relationships. I think that is my biggest issue with being single and trying to trudge through the newness because I want to know what is going on…not because I want a commitment but for the sake of the ability to make good decisions. I want to know that if he is seeing other women; I want to know that if he sees something in me that he’d like to explore; I want to know if he does NOT see it going anywhere. After a couple of dates you have some idea of if this person possesses the same qualities and values that you’re looking for, do you not? It’s not that difficult to see if you think that you’d be a good match so why do men hold these things back.

Going back to the book and my original topic (fear), Mr. Harvey says that women settle for less than they deserve because of fear--the fear of loosing him. Women do not open their mouth to tell men what boundaries are in place. Women suffer through emotional turmoil because they bypass their requirements and standards just for the sake of having a relationship. In reality if those things are out in the open and they don’t call then can count it all joy because their true intentions are obvious at that point. Fear paralyzes us from taking actions because we are afraid to loose ‘him’ but if he truly values the woman and sees something in her then he will respect what she has to say. Of course if she says something that is too much or not what he wants then he should be man enough to speak up and either put on the breaks or tell her what he thinks. Instead of holding back why can’t we just be honest and open? Is that not what builds a meaningful relationship?

So, what is it that I value (and want) in a relationship? Number ONE…..integrity: i.e. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; HONESTY!! Number TWO....faithfulness: i.e. true to one's word, promises, vows, etc. I want someone who will appreciate me for just who I am, to treasure me and to make me feel as though I am important to them. Finally, I want someone who will be dedicated and unwavering to making the relationship work. If they tend to run and hide when things are not great then they should walk away because if you’re not completely present then it’s not for me. Personally, picking your socks up off of the floor or putting the lid on the toothpaste....not a big deal! I am into building relationships that last, not lingering on things that don’t even matter! Am I asking too much?!