Inventory

Wow, what a weekend! I will not get into the sorted details but let’s just say it was eventful—some good, some not-so-good. I guess after the events from Friday (see Death?) I had to take inventory on my life. I realized that since I moved back to Oklahoma I forgot to remember that I’m pretty cool and that I like me just the way I am. I am passionate, I am loyal, I am creative, I am smart, I am nice, I am a peacemaker, I am a good hugger AND my life is full of people who love me (and some that just claim to). On my MySpace my heading says: People will show you who they are, listen the first time. I think that saying can mean many different things dependent on the situation.

People can go either way, no matter what comes out of their mouth it’s their actions that scream their true and genuine self and their exact feelings. For example, my grandmother was my hero and always will be. She was the nicest and most genuine soul that I have ever known. She had the work ethic of a stallion but was gentle as the wind. Even if she didn’t particularly like someone they would never know because she treated everyone the same—just because they were alive she respected them. We never had a lot of money but we always had just enough to have what we needed and every now and then something that we wanted. You-know back then I never really noticed because when we went to the store all I ever wanted was some M&Ms (and so did my dog!) or a Butterfinger.

I think that today I realized how very important things and money are to some people. Some are wiling to sacrifice the people who are loyal and forgiving for things and money. Some people are so driven by the lust for more that they loose sight of the really important things in life….building a legacy thorough their relationships on earth. My view is that money makes life a little easier but it does not (and will NOT) replace the people who I hold dear. I understand the need for financial comfort and stability but if I wake up every morning alone with shallow and meaningless relationships how happy can I truly be? I guess that if the ole dollar keeps you warm at night and makes you feel secure then more power to ya. I want to make sure that my children have a roof over their heads and a few meals each day otherwise the rest is superfluous that I really do not need anyway. I liked the quote (below) because wealth is a state of mind not a huge bank account and a house full of pretty things!

Prosperity is a way of living and thinking, and not just money or things. Poverty is a way of living and thinking, and not just a lack of money or things. --Eric Butterworth

I guess that picking up, regrouping and starting YET AGAIN (when I thought I would never have to) makes one take inventory of their lives. Loosing the one you love and thought you’d spend your dying days with makes one wonder what might be wrong with you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no beauty queen but I’m not an ugly-duckling either. I can keep up with the best of ‘em but at (almost) 40 you have to wonder what happened and why I am not living happily ever after? What is it about ME that makes them be unfaithful and tell half-truths while stealing my heart? Am I so gullible that I will believe anything and just keep getting ran over until my self-esteem is in the crapper? I know in some ways I had a role in the failure too, I am never going to admit that I am or ever will be perfect but one thing that I do know is that I am probably THE most loyal and loving person one could ever be with. I will never claim to have perfection mastered but I can say that there are some character qualities that will never falter: integrity and loyalty.

Am I heartbroken? Yes! Am I ready to be in a relationship right now? No, I think that I’ll save that for awhile until I can learn how to trust blindly and love someone again. I forgot to remember that some boundaries cannot be broken yet I allowed them to be crossed repeatedly and along the way failed to be loyal to myself. I still am in love with him and I probably always will be (heck I have been since I was 15) but the damage is done and he is not willing to forgo his earthly pursuits for me. I guess that speaks of my value in his emotional storage and the lack of worth that I have in his life. I was dumb enough to belive the things that made my heart go pitter-patter and I guess that the whole time it was just a clanging cymbal. That is one of hte things that hurts the most right now well, and the lack of remorse on his part. I guess that when you THINK someone loves you and things are not going well they might want to work things out. When you say that you are going to endure through thick-and-thin but run out when someone prettier comes along I guess that you get what you deserve. Someday I might see it in a different light but right now I am just sad.

Going back to my grandmother, she suffered yet endured; she was hurt but still kept on loving; she did not have a big bank account but her heart was as big as the moon; she had obstacles to overcome yet she faced them with a positive outlook and steadfast determination. I want to be like grandma when I grow up. I want to cry happy tears and keep the warm tears of sorrow to a minimum. I want to love my girls and show them that women are worthy of respect and love at all times! They need to know that when you find a partner that they will circle the wagons during tough times not keep you at arms length and confide in others. Relationships where value and respect live are the one's worth fighting for. I want to be happy and I think that I deserve at least that! I think the glue that binds people are the difficult times because when you are squeezed your true character shines through.

So, taking inventory:

Still breathing, check
Health, check
Great kids, check
Loving family, check
Support network, check
Determination, check
Integrity, check
Goals, check
Upset, check (only for a season)

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is:

I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread. -- Psalm 37:25

This tells me that as long as my checklist is full of righteous living then God will take care of the rest.