This morning the doggies and I went for our walk they were excited about the prospects of sniffing new scents and I was excited about my thinking time. When I am exercising it gives me a chance to clear my head and think more clearly, sometimes. After the past couple of weeks I need as much head clearing that I can possibly get! The stress of a teetering relationship, teenage daughters, and money issues piled on top of the coursework in my class AND trying to purchase a house under some strict lending guidelines…..these things have taken a real toll on my patience and emotional stamina.
I understand the teenage problems but when your 13 year old calls you while you think she’s on the way to a getaway at the lake with her friend and says that she’s been involved in an accident your mother hen reflexes kick in the blink of an eye! She proceeds to explain to me that a semi-truck (I kind of stopped hearing after that because when a semi is involved it’s not really a great story) had failed to stop for a traffic jam on I-44, rolling over two cars and setting off a chain of events where a car was hurled into the vehicle that my daughter was in. The full story is here. My heart aches for the families of the 9 who did not walk away but at the same time my heart rejoices that she was not one of the fatalities. It makes you appreciate the fragility of life and hug them a little harder when you get the chance! At the moment I realized that she was OK but how close she came to being injured (or worse) I wanted to pick up the phone and start dialing my partner. Then I had a second thought, the words “I cant stand her” rolled through my mind and I thought ‘why would he care that she’s OK if he cant stand her?’ so I did not call.
After the short but fast thought process I began to think about how precious the relationships in our lives are. We leave behind a legacy not a U-haul, right (of course!)! Relationships are about building meaningful bonds with people not filling a house with couches and television sets. Who cares if you live in the best house, drive the best car, have a bank account full of money if you have shallow relationships filled with deception and infidelity? Is it worth the daily heartache of wondering if your partner is calling others while you are working or pondering the thought of him sitting across the table from another at lunchtime? Is he sending love messages to someone because they surely are not in my inbox and my phone is not ringing? Who captures the heart when it is not the one you’re sleeping next to? If not who then what? Is it money, vacations, cars, homes or any earthly/tangible object?
When you think about your own mortality what do you want others to say? Do you want them to say…man, he/she sure had a great house filled with stuff…or do you prefer….wow he/she was the nicest most caring person I have ever met? Do you want your home-going (funeral) to be filled with people whose lives you touched and made better or simply die alone your death being unknown to those who knew you? I am not trying to paint a morbid or sad picture but rather make you think about why you are on this earth. What is your purpose? Why do you get up every morning? Do you try to improve yourself everyday or are you stuck in the same routine not noticing the hours of your life ticking away?
Going back to my relationship….I think that we all want to be valued and cared about. On my walk this morning the song “I love the Way You Love Me” by John Michael Montgomery made me really think about what I need in a romantic relationship. The song begins with him telling her that he loves to hear her name and watch her eyes dance when she’s laughing and that he loves the little quirky things that she does too. He knows how to read her, he watches her eyes to see what is behind them. These are the things that I need….to be valued and have the little silly things that I do be important. I want to do the same to the one I am with too but at this point can I put my heart on the line after the history? Has the bitterness taken away any happiness that was in my dreams for this relationship in the beginning? I still have those giddy feelings but they are mixed with mistrust and hurt which makes this so difficult. It’s not that there is no love but I now am looking through Rose Colored Glasses. Does that mean that the dream is dead or that there is work to do? I guess that is a rhetorical question because it has to be a two way street at this point.
All of this ties into my house hunting adventure. What a mess that has been! I began this search in about April and have since thought that I had choosen a home that is in my budget and is good for the family BUT both of those deals have since withered away in mortgage land. I am now searching for a needle in a haystack because I have very strict guidelines that I have to follow in order to GET a loan. Now I have choices but they are limited to either staying in the school district and living in a shoebox OR moving out a bit and taking the kids to school everyday. Is it senseable to choose either? This is a big purchase and walking through these homes I am wanting someone there ot support me and hold my hand through the process. This has not been the case and I feel more alone than I have ever felt in my life—being an only child…it’s hard to top the lonliness felt during my childhood. I dream about buying a home, putting up the white picket fence and living happily ever after…it’s not how the process has been going.
Maybe I’m feeling sorry for myself today or maybe I am just starting to realize what I can and cannot live with OR without. I am not sure but I do know that I cannot loose my soul again as I did in my 30s because it took me on a journey of living deeply depressed and confused daily. I did not know who I was and what I wanted. I basically lived on-stage and allowed my life to be directed by others. I cannot allow that to happen again. I have to love my kids, get my degree(s), go to work and value the road of life taking each challenge as it comes and loving every second of everyday that I get to spend on this side of the dirt! Are my dreams dying or are they just taking shape?
I understand the teenage problems but when your 13 year old calls you while you think she’s on the way to a getaway at the lake with her friend and says that she’s been involved in an accident your mother hen reflexes kick in the blink of an eye! She proceeds to explain to me that a semi-truck (I kind of stopped hearing after that because when a semi is involved it’s not really a great story) had failed to stop for a traffic jam on I-44, rolling over two cars and setting off a chain of events where a car was hurled into the vehicle that my daughter was in. The full story is here. My heart aches for the families of the 9 who did not walk away but at the same time my heart rejoices that she was not one of the fatalities. It makes you appreciate the fragility of life and hug them a little harder when you get the chance! At the moment I realized that she was OK but how close she came to being injured (or worse) I wanted to pick up the phone and start dialing my partner. Then I had a second thought, the words “I cant stand her” rolled through my mind and I thought ‘why would he care that she’s OK if he cant stand her?’ so I did not call.
After the short but fast thought process I began to think about how precious the relationships in our lives are. We leave behind a legacy not a U-haul, right (of course!)! Relationships are about building meaningful bonds with people not filling a house with couches and television sets. Who cares if you live in the best house, drive the best car, have a bank account full of money if you have shallow relationships filled with deception and infidelity? Is it worth the daily heartache of wondering if your partner is calling others while you are working or pondering the thought of him sitting across the table from another at lunchtime? Is he sending love messages to someone because they surely are not in my inbox and my phone is not ringing? Who captures the heart when it is not the one you’re sleeping next to? If not who then what? Is it money, vacations, cars, homes or any earthly/tangible object?
When you think about your own mortality what do you want others to say? Do you want them to say…man, he/she sure had a great house filled with stuff…or do you prefer….wow he/she was the nicest most caring person I have ever met? Do you want your home-going (funeral) to be filled with people whose lives you touched and made better or simply die alone your death being unknown to those who knew you? I am not trying to paint a morbid or sad picture but rather make you think about why you are on this earth. What is your purpose? Why do you get up every morning? Do you try to improve yourself everyday or are you stuck in the same routine not noticing the hours of your life ticking away?
Going back to my relationship….I think that we all want to be valued and cared about. On my walk this morning the song “I love the Way You Love Me” by John Michael Montgomery made me really think about what I need in a romantic relationship. The song begins with him telling her that he loves to hear her name and watch her eyes dance when she’s laughing and that he loves the little quirky things that she does too. He knows how to read her, he watches her eyes to see what is behind them. These are the things that I need….to be valued and have the little silly things that I do be important. I want to do the same to the one I am with too but at this point can I put my heart on the line after the history? Has the bitterness taken away any happiness that was in my dreams for this relationship in the beginning? I still have those giddy feelings but they are mixed with mistrust and hurt which makes this so difficult. It’s not that there is no love but I now am looking through Rose Colored Glasses. Does that mean that the dream is dead or that there is work to do? I guess that is a rhetorical question because it has to be a two way street at this point.
All of this ties into my house hunting adventure. What a mess that has been! I began this search in about April and have since thought that I had choosen a home that is in my budget and is good for the family BUT both of those deals have since withered away in mortgage land. I am now searching for a needle in a haystack because I have very strict guidelines that I have to follow in order to GET a loan. Now I have choices but they are limited to either staying in the school district and living in a shoebox OR moving out a bit and taking the kids to school everyday. Is it senseable to choose either? This is a big purchase and walking through these homes I am wanting someone there ot support me and hold my hand through the process. This has not been the case and I feel more alone than I have ever felt in my life—being an only child…it’s hard to top the lonliness felt during my childhood. I dream about buying a home, putting up the white picket fence and living happily ever after…it’s not how the process has been going.
Maybe I’m feeling sorry for myself today or maybe I am just starting to realize what I can and cannot live with OR without. I am not sure but I do know that I cannot loose my soul again as I did in my 30s because it took me on a journey of living deeply depressed and confused daily. I did not know who I was and what I wanted. I basically lived on-stage and allowed my life to be directed by others. I cannot allow that to happen again. I have to love my kids, get my degree(s), go to work and value the road of life taking each challenge as it comes and loving every second of everyday that I get to spend on this side of the dirt! Are my dreams dying or are they just taking shape?
You are entitled to feel sorry for yourself every now and again, it's living there that will kill you. Your dreams are indeed taking shape-hold them tight!!!!
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