Persevere

Our lives are defined not by the challenges we encounter, but by how we respond to those challenges. - Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Circumstance does not make the man: it reveals him to himself. -James Allen

When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile. - Unknown

I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry. - Unknown

I started reading (for the 3rd time) The On Purpose Person: Making your Life Make Sense by Kevin W. McCarthy. I have been drawn back to this book so many times and I take away something different each time I read it. If we forget what is driving us we tend to loose sight of the person that we are inside, as I wrote recently in my post Beauty. We get so wrapped up in the daily routine of life that we loose the passion for life. I think that for me I allow my passion to transfer from myself to others. I give away my joy and allow others to govern my happiness. In the opening chapter of the book the author talks about a man who became so wrapped up in the outer things of life that even though he seemed to have all of the success in the world all of it lost its luster and he became angry and depressed.

I am at a crossroads in my life. My oldest daughter is turning 18 soon; I will be finished with my degree(s) and I am becoming increasingly aware of my single-ness….meaning I am tired of it! I do not need someone to confirm who I am I want someone to acknowledge and appreciate the good qualities that I do possess. I don’t need them to give me passion because I have that too, I want someone to support and explore those things with me. I guess my fear in that is that it is somewhat intimidating to be vulnerable and put yourself out there since unending commitment is a thing of the past. I cannot go through another relationship disaster so finding a person that I trust enough to take down that road is daunting at best. I think that relationally I am healthy enough to say "no" to the one’s who just don’t fit the bill.

Now for the children….I love my children and will always be there for them but that relationship is changing quickly. Over time it has grown from dependency to guidance. They are all becoming beautiful young women and I hope that I can guide them into a fulfilling life but it is difficult to sit back and watch them experience the hard-knocks that life so often gives. I want to shelter them and take their pain but on the same side of that coin it is how the diamond is formed through friction and adverse conditions. I would not be the person that I am today without the hard times and I have learned to appreciate the tears as much as the smiles but to see someone that I love so dearly hurting is sometimes more than I can bare.

School? Well, it has been an incredible journey to challenge myself and get through it all. I am now unsure as to where I want to go from here. Do I want to continue into a Masters program? Am I satisfied where I will be when I am finished? What exactly do I want to or can I do with the degree(s) that I will have? I am quite sure that I do not want to remain living in this city so….do I pursue a job elsewhere before I am finished? Dare I move and uproot the children again? Is all of this just selfish thinking?

I guess standing at a crossroads is a place where we learn new things about ourselves. We grow and develop new qualities to share with the world. Adversity might push us to the crossroads but we could be standing there by choice too. In my ethics course several semesters ago the instructor talked at length about choices. He said that with every choice we make there are things that we did not choose and living with the collateral damage of that might be challenging. The thing with choices is what will you be gaining and/or giving up by taking that direction? Is the loss worth the gain? I guess that you cannot be afraid to loose the game in order to make the big win. Will taking a big leap land you on your feet or flat on your back? I guess that if passion drives those choices then you’ll land on your feet every time. If fear is the driving force then when that fear subsides where will you be?

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.