Independence

Freedom is not merely the opportunity to do as one pleases; neither is it merely the opportunity to choose between set alternatives. Freedom is, first of all, the chance to formulate the available choices, to argue over them -- and then, the opportunity to choose. --C. Wright Mills

Yesterday was the day that America celebrated its independence from being ruled by another country. In 1776 the Founding Fathers came up with the plan to ensure that we had the ability to pursue liberty, peace and happiness within the boundaries of this great nation. Independence is defined by Dictionarycom as: the freedom from control, influence, support, aid or the like of others; a competency. Freedom is not merely the ability to do whatever you want but the ability to choose not to be controlled by anyone or anything but within limits.

I began to contemplate freedom this weekend because I am venturing out and learning to be on my own again. I was married for 15 years and then jumped straight into a 2-year relationship with no time in-between. As a Social Psychology major I should understand the importance of healing myself and learning to live as a whole person before pursuing a romantic relationship. I say this because for the past several years I have been under the control and influence of another. I have depended on others to supply my self-worth and give me my self-confidence. I (again) have lost control of myself and allowed others to dictate what I would do, how it was to be done and with whom. I have gotten the chance to get out and meet some new friends and be with long-time friends over the past few days and it feels good to be cared-for just because I am me. I cannot allow others to have control of the things that I value nor can I allow long-standing boundaries to be crossed. I cannot compromise my soul for a cup of soup.

As I mentioned I am a Social Psychology major on the verge of getting my BS degree. This week we are studying Gestalt and Existential therapies, both of which teach a person to live an authentic life and constantly seek inward approval rather than rely on external sources for approval. It is easy to desensitize ourselves and allow ourselves to compromise our true selves for the sake of another’s attention and/or admiration. I know that I am a strong woman and I have endured many hardships in my life but never have I allowed the simple values and relational needs to fall by the wayside. I demand to be nurtured, treasured, respected and cared for and if someone cannot do that for me then they are not the person that I need in my life. Some things in relationships are minor and can be negotiated but others are deal-breakers--respect and genuine caring are non-negotiable.

I personally hate being alone but I am an only child so many of my days were spent alone. I am not used to the silence and quiet of loneliness but I think that it is necessary in order for me to understand who I am again in order to hear and trust my inner voice. I want to learn how to be in a relationship that is genuine. I want to learn to love myself and value my great qualities rather than handing the responsibility over to another. There are some great people in my life and I know that someday there will be a special partner for me too. Will I date and explore new relationships? Of course. I will also take things slowly, being cautious to see where things go rather than forcing something that did not have a chance to grow its own.

I also have to think about the collateral damage that my choices have. I have three girls who are my life and always will be. I cannot raise my girls to see that relationships are something that you depend on for your self-worth. I want my girls to be strong, independent women who have the ability to show love and compassion but also not compromise their standards for the sake of being with someone. I love them too much to allow them to learn things the wrong way only to find-out later in life through heartache and pain. I want to be an example to them that is willing to admit that I have not done the right thing and show them that people are fallible but have the ability to learn from their mistakes.

In conclusion, freedom to me (at almost 40) is not about being a free-spirit but being free within my spirit. I can love, have compassion, think and do things within my own ability but respect the boundaries that have been in place for many years. There are people who can respect that and love me for the person that I am not for who they need me to be. I want to be valued and supported but I also want to be appreciated and cherished too. I am a great person with uncompromising integrity and boat-loads of love to give to the right person who can do the same!