ex·pec·ta·tions
/ekspekˈtāSH(ə)n/
noun
1.
a strong belief that something will happen or be the
case in the future.
2.
a belief that someone will or should achieve
something.
If
you want to change the world, go home and love your family. ~Mother Theresa
I went looking for my dreams outside of myself
and discovered, it’s not what the world holds for you, it’s what you bring to
it. ~Anne Shirley
Last night during my meditation
time, I spent a lot of time in reflection about this past weekend. Spending time with friends that are more like
family than any family that I have had in my life. Meeting new people, visiting new places, and
just plain enjoying life. I finally feel
like I have found my place in life, like I have found my tribe—people that understand
me at my core without judgement. People that are there to share the sorrows and
tears but also there to share the joys and laughter. These people have my back, no matter what; there
is such a peace in knowing that I am not alone in this world. It got me to thinking about kindred spirits
and relationships. Relationships are
very important in our lives, if a person thinks that they can march this life
alone, they are very wrong. We are
relational beings, that is how we are designed so you cannot escape that
internal yearning to belong to a tribe or a people that ‘get’ you. When you meet someone new, we all wear that ‘mask’
to try to fit-in but as the relationship progresses we begin to show who we
really are deep inside. If the
relationship is between kindred spirits, then there is not fear of being completely
open and transparent. If the
relationship is without true connection, then it is best to keep your secrets
to yourself because those relationships do not have your best interests at
heart.
I am going to switch gears
and talk about our most intimate relationships with a romantic partner. Being in the field of study that I am in I
understand the anatomy of relationships and how they work. Romantic relationships go through five
distinct phases: attraction, idealized
positive transference (or the honeymoon), reality, commitment, and then eventually
marriage. Of course, everyone wants to
be in a successful relationship but how is it possible when there is distance
(either physical, intellectual, or spiritual) between you? Building and maintaining a successful
relationship is about commitment with a kindred soul—one that matches your
own. Finding that person might be
difficult but when and if you do then you have to have the emotional maturity
and the ability to sustain a lasting bond with one another and to let go of the
thought that they are in charge ow how you feel—zero expectations. Relationships need to be cultivated, nourished,
and maintained in order to create and KEEP the bond strong. Having and showing mutual unconditional love
to one another is not something that is altogether spiritual nor is it a mystical
concept, it is necessary.
When we find that person, we
tend to let the frustrations get in the way of loving them
unconditionally. We forget that we had that
connection in the beginning and as soon as the ‘warm fuzzy’ feeling that they
gave to us wears away, we are not sure how the relationship can last. As selfish as it sounds, showing
unconditional love to your partner is more about YOU. In the most selfish way, you get to experience
feelings that you want to feel and they reap the benefits of your actions of love
towards them. You decide how you think
and feel, when we start to think that it is not a choice then we begin to feel
sad, angry, frustrated, etc. Again, YOU
chose how you feel, your partner does not dictate your feelings by doing anything. As much as you feel love for your partner,
they cannot MAKE you feel a certain way, that is your job to feel your feelings
and control your thinking (thoughts create feelings). You cannot ask your partner to change anything
about themselves in order for you to feel better about your relationship.
Loving someone is the most
amazing feeling that we get to feel but you have to claim that feeling every
day. Loving someone is our choice, we
have to decide if we want to feel it or not to feel it towards our partner. When you have selected THE right person for
you then those feelings are easier but if you are with someone because you are lonely
or just want companionship then, those feelings are more difficult to find. When you start getting frustrated about your
partner’s lack of something ((s)he does not pick up his socks, (s)he leaves
dishes in the sink, (s)he is always late, etc.) or because of something that
(s)he did then the truth is that your love for this person is not truly
unconditional. You are putting
expectations on this person to MAKE you love them—your thinking is not in line
with the true meaning of unconditional love.
When we love someone is not a benefit to THEM, it is a benefit to YOU. You are in control of those feelings; their
actions do not dictate your love. One of
my clients said that she could no longer love her husband because of the way he
made her feel. My question is why are
his actions dictating how YOU feel? Byron
Katie says, "I love you and there's nothing you can do about it." You get to love someone without their consent,
you do not stop just because someone did something that did not meet your expectations.
We enter relationships with a
list of expectations, needs, and desires then we expect our partner to fulfill
those things for us. When they fall
short (and they will) we begin to get frustrated with them. You get to love someone because that is
something that you chose to feel no matter what they do. Now, I am not suggesting that you stay in an
abusive situation just because you love someone—you must be safe from harm at
all times! If your partner is disrespectful,
rude, controlling, etc. then you are in charge of how you interpret their behavior
and you are responsible for how you respond.
You are the only one in charge of your feelings and if someone is
constantly bringing you down then, find out why. You have the freedom to love someone deeply but not want to live with
them but you cannot decide that you will be happy if your circumstances
change. If you stay or go, your thoughts
go with you and leaving will not change your thoughts but you WILL carry them
into the next relationship.
When you have a thought you
create a feeling, those feelings create actions, and ultimately results. If you are living an unconscious life then you
will not feel emotions but if you have a thinking brain then you will feel
emotions. Nothing happens in our world
that does not make us think and then feel something about that event. Happiness is an inside job, it is inside you
wherever you go your thoughts and emotions are there. Just because your partner is not there does
not mean that you can be happy OR unhappy.
You cannot blame someone else for your unhappiness, that is your
responsibility. You are in charge of
your own feelings, do not decide to be happy because of external events or
relationships. Your internal emotions
are just that, internal. You cannot keep
changing circumstances to find your happiness, you have to figure out how to
feel happy right where you are.
If you are in a relationship
and not ‘feeling love’ towards them are you expecting them to make you love
them? If you are unhappy, why are YOU
feeling this way? Are you putting
expectations on them to make you feel something? Are you expecting them to love you first
before you love them? You get to decide
how you feel and if you are not feeling love then it is because of something
that you are thinking not because of something that they are doing. If you are thinking, what is the point of
having a romantic relationship if their sole purpose is NOT to make you feel loved? It does not matter if they love you, that is
their emotions to own, not yours; you are in charge of your emotions and how
you think and feel. Your partner’s only
job in your life is to be available for YOU to love them, to give you an object
of affection, and to build lasting memories together.
Do not give the power to
someone else, be in charge of your thoughts and emotions. Do not expect them to make you feel love,
that is emotional bondage in a relationship.
It can be a huge turning point in your life when you figure out that you
are in charge of your own happiness; stop expecting others to meet your
needs. It is difficult to wrap our minds
around this concept because we have been taught to have expectations in our relationships
but if we continue this thinking then we will continue to be disappointed. If you are searching for peace in your relationship,
drop the expectations and see what happens!
When you stop trying to change your partner and just appreciate them for
who they are, your relationship will change.
If you are always trying to control your partner, asking them to be a
different person, trying to control them, criticizing them for their behavior,
or asking them to do things in order for you to feel appreciated then you have
to determine if you are providing those things for yourself. You cannot manipulate how they feel or act,
it is impossible to change them and it is exhausting to try.
Think about someone in your
life that you find difficult to love. Are you blaming them for your lack of love
for them? If you are then you are giving
them a free pass to your thoughts, that is not their job to make you feel anything
towards them. When you chose to feel
hatred or any negative emotion towards another person then you are the only one
suffering the effects of that, not them.
This thinking is based on the false assumption that they benefit from
your love. Withholding love because you
fear being hurt is not something that you can control. To deny feeling a positive emotion (love)
because you fear of experiencing a negative emotion (hurt, pain, etc.) does not
make sense. You are responsible for how
you feel, as soon as you blame others for how you are feeling, then you lose
all power and emotional maturity. If you
want to see personal growth, decide to be in control of yourself.
This week, make a list of reasons
why you are not feeling loved or loving.
What is behind this? Write down
the reasons that your partner or person in your life is difficult to love. Are you trying to make them responsible for
your feelings? Are you asking them to
meet your expectations and needs?
If you need help finding that
love for yourself or need to figure out how to control your thinking, contact
me today for your fee coaching session to learn how we can work together to
help you find your way back inside. I
would also love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
