I found this article and found it very interesting. You can read it in its entirety at: http://anew-place.com/articles/levels-of-love-what-kind-do-you-give/
Levels of Love: What Kind Do You Give?
Have you ever been in a relationship and asked yourself, “What have I gotten into here? Will this ever get better?” These are valid questions, and often responded with meager answers.
Many people have come in to see me with similar questions. They are often exasperated, frustrated, bewildered, and hurt. With a sigh, and sometimes a spark of bitterness, they relay stories of what they thought marriage or a long-term committed relationship would be for them. Their dreams are dashed. Their hopes have come crashing down around them. They conclude that their partnerwill never change to make the relationship better.
At this point I usually stop them and mention that their original questions made sense, but are not the right ones to ask. I have them ask themselves what theyhave done to improve their relationship. And I ask if they are willing to do whatever it takes to save their relationship, including letting it go. They look at me as if I’ve lost my mind! They say, “The problem is not me. It’s him/her!” Or bewildered, “I don’t want to let go. I want to save it, stupid!”
The underlying principle I encourage these couples to see is this: Your relationship is essentially YOU. When you do your best to actively love, then the relationship usually takes the shape with which you intended to be. Of course, after loving effectively and consistently for a period of time and still no change, one must re-evaluate whether your needs are being met, and/or if the relationship is healthy enough to stay in or not.
So, the question actually is: How is your loving? Or, How are you living out what you want in return? I want to propose a five-stage model as to how we move through life toward a more mature love. The goal is to have a love that is transcendent, i.e. no strings attached. It’s a love-posture of the heart that says “I choose to love you just because…”
No doubt you’ve heard of several great spiritual leaders throughout history that modeled this kind of love, e.g. Jesus, Buddha, the Dalai Lama, to name a few. But you might say, Yes, but I can’t compare to them! I’m just somebody trying to get along with my partner! I don’t know how to love like that.
The truth is that we were not taught how to love like that. Most of us carry wounds that have distorted our perception of transcendent/mature love. Maybe we were abused in some way, or had parents that didn’t model care, safety and nurturance. Maybe we learned about “relationship” only in the locker rooms or through the media. In any case, learning what kind of love we are giving out today is the first step to choosing how to love someone else.
No doubt you’ve heard of several great spiritual leaders throughout history that modeled this kind of love, e.g. Jesus, Buddha, the Dalai Lama, to name a few. But you might say, Yes, but I can’t compare to them! I’m just somebody trying to get along with my partner! I don’t know how to love like that.
The truth is that we were not taught how to love like that. Most of us carry wounds that have distorted our perception of transcendent/mature love. Maybe we were abused in some way, or had parents that didn’t model care, safety and nurturance. Maybe we learned about “relationship” only in the locker rooms or through the media. In any case, learning what kind of love we are giving out today is the first step to choosing how to love someone else.
Consider the diagram below. There are five concentric circles indicating different Levels (Stages) of Love. To be clear, “loving” can be loosely defined as theintentional energy of closeness, respect and care that one directs toward another. It is not the gooey puppy love or the swoon-for-the-rock-star “love.” It is directional attention and desire toward another. Although these stages apply to both genders (and frankly, to all relationships), for the purpose of brevity, the pronoun used will refer only to how “he” is loving “her.”
The outer circle (or most immature level) is the first stage of expressing “love” to someone special. And each circle inward is the next stage of growth towardMature Love. Remember: If the intention is to better love your partner, (and not change them), then we need to understand the kind of love we are expressing. Part 1 of this article will briefly describe the first three levels.
Hormonal Love
Level 1 love is based on the feelings that you want regular “doses” of her. It’s characterized by a longing to be physical and sexually close to the other. There may be a natural chemistry that brings two together, and natural sexual lust that draws the connection closer.
This kind of love says you simply want to be near her more. You like the way she smells, moves, talks, has sex, etc. You feel “in love” because of what you objectively get. Infatuation may fall into this stage.
Once sexual connection is established, the next stage brings a deeper, more expansive way at looking at her. It opens up an opportunity to see her more than an object of gratification, but one of relational connection.
Companion Love
Level 2 love enjoys being friends with the other person. You begin to notice that you miss being with her. You make room for her in your heart and life. You like simply being present with her, enjoying her company. Your gut says that it’s easy to connect, feels free and light.
This love finds something delightful in her. It fulfills something in you. You find pleasure in simply spending time with her. The feeling is based on the belief that if [the relationship] feels good, it must be “love.”
When he finds this feeling lasts for a while, he may begin to move into the next stage. Companion Love now adds to it a dimension of depth to the friendship.
Knowledgeable Love
Level 3 love has a dimension to it that says you like what you know of her. You begin to notice and take in more of her values, intellect, interests, family and friend connections. You find pleasure in your personality traits. You in turn feel appreciated and respected by what she naturally gives you.
In essence, this kind of love says that you love based on what you understand/know about her. The more you know of her it somehow “calculates” into more affection and closeness. Hence, the more “love” you feel toward her. What you unconsciously “approve”, respect and admire makes it easier for you to give intentional love to her.
These first three levels of love, Hormonal, Companion and Knowledgeable, are to be seen as natural progressions toward mature love. They are not meant to show fallacies and/or incompetence. But rather, they are simply to be held up as a window by which you can see your reflection, and sometimes peer out as to where you want to take your loving.
I invite you to review how you love. If this is important to you, then take a serious look at it. Ask those around you how you are, e.g. your spouse, kids, close friends, etc. How you act outward is reflective of what’s inward. What kind of love do you give out? Is it what you want? What can you change in your attitude and/or actions that show courageous vulnerable love? What can you intentionally do to show mature love when you don’t feel loved in return? How is your current pattern of loving different from what you were taught from your parents?
These stages may bring up several questions or disagreements. You might have difficulty differentiating one stage from another. Maybe your intimate relationships had a different order to the stages. Or maybe a stage may be left out altogether. Whatever the case, it’s important to grab hold of the fact that we all need to get better at giving intentional love to those to whom we want it directed.
Part 2 of this article will show all five stages. The fourth stage often opens up the tendency to throw in the relational towel. You don’t want to miss it.
As always, I welcome your comments and questions. And… please pass this on to those you think it would benefit.
Kevin Barwick, LCPCKevinBarwick@Anew-Place.comwww.Anew-Place.com301.552.6688
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