Sex

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. ~Matt Groening, Life in Hell


There are two kinds of sex, classical and baroque. Classical sex is romantic, profound, serious, emotional, moral, mysterious, spontaneous, abandoned, focused on a particular person, and stereotypically feminine. Baroque sex is pop, playful, funny, experimental, conscious, deliberate, amoral, anonymous, focused on sensation for sensation's sake, and stereotypically masculine. The classical mentality taken to an extreme is sentimental and finally puritanical; the baroque mentality taken to an extreme is pornographic and finally obscene. Ideally, a sexual relation ought to create a satisfying tension between the two modes (a baroque idea, particularly if the tension is ironic) or else blend them so well that the distinction disappears (a classical aspiration). ~Ellen Willis, "Classical and Baroque Sex in Everyday Life" (1979), Beginning To See the Light: Pieces of a Decade (1981)



 Because some people shudder at the word sex I have been trying to think about how to approach this subject for some time now. Sex is a natural thing but our society has put so many limitations and restrictions on it that we sometimes are afraid to even talk about it. On the other end of the spectrum there are those who go to extremes to try to break away from societal labels. No matter what your sexual orientation or beliefs are as an adult we have to learn to embrace our fantasies and try to overcome the cultural conditioning that society puts on us. I’m not saying that one should go beyond their own boundaries, do anything that hurts another emotionally or physically or sleep with multiple partners, what I am saying is that we sometimes need to rethink the way we think about sex.

I am reading Partners in Love and Crime by Randy Hurlburt and he approaches this subject in a very respectful way that made me think about limitations and taboos that are silently imposed by outside forces. If we are to be open and free within our relationships we have to learn to share our thoughts, including those of the sexual nature. We sometimes imprison ourselves into thinking that sex is not something to be enjoyed with our partner. We sometimes develop an inner rage that manifests its self in different areas of our lives if we are not comfortable sharing things with our partners. If we are seeking emotional closeness then we have to share our thoughts in a supportive way. Things shared in a one-on-one relationship that cause no harm to the other person should be something discussed openly.

Our ability to build a meaningful relationship comes when we are comfortable enough to share things with our partner. It might take time to reach the level of comfort and it should be something that we take slowly but when you begin to open up you will feel a sense of freedom within the boundaries of your own relationship. Emotional growth comes when we test the limits we impose on ourselves and begin to be open to new possibilities. We all want a sense of freedom balanced with a close connection in our relationships so sometimes thinking outside of the box is necessary.

Be sure to visit the Partners in Love and Crime website to get your own copy of the book. It is an excellent read, I’ve learned a great deal already and I’m only on chapter 9.