Gestalt

–noun

A physical, biological, psychological, or symbolic configuration or pattern of elements so unified as a whole that its properties cannot be derived from a simple summation of its parts.


True beauty cannot lie either in the perfect on the imperfect, but must lien in a realm where such distinctions have ceased to exist...The precise and perfect carries no overtones, admits no freedom; the perfect is static and regulated, cold and hard. We in our own human imperfections are repelled by the perfect, since everything is apparent from the start and there is no suggestion of the infinite. Beauty must have some room, must be associated with freedom. Freedom, indeed, is beauty. The love of the irregular is a sign of the basic quest for freedom. --Soetsu Yanagi, The Unknown Craftsman



I picked up the book The 8 Essential Traits of Couples who Thrive by Susan Page and I must say that after reading the introduction I am already enthused about the remainder of the book. I was interested in the book not because I do not have a good relationship (because I surely do) but because I want to keep it that way. The book speaks from the tone of married couples (here is where my relationship and the book differ) but I think that it applies to any romantic relationship.

The introduction challenges couples to overlook the stereotypical marriage and focus on the perfect (not infallible) relationship. Perfection is not without imperfections, perfection is a state of strength to manage through a crisis when challenges arise. We hear the statistics that 50% of marriages end in divorce but this statistic is greatly flawed because the ACTUAL number is only one in eight marriages end in divorce. The author challenges couples to look at their own beliefs about marriage and encourages them to believe that marriage is not unexciting and boring but a chance to thrive and grow with the one you love. Some believe that marriage is hard work and ones who enter into such a union are bound to be disappointed. Others believe that if they get into a committed relationship that they will be giving up more than they will gain.

If we watch television or listen to just about any comedian the brunt of their jokes are about their matrimonial state. Even in comic strips we can read about the joyless marriage with the nagging wife and the emotionally absent husband. If we actually believe these fallacies then we are creating a state that psychologists call self-efficacy. Self-efficacy is the belief that we are only capable of what we believe to be true. Our performance is influenced by how we perceive a situation. In other words if you believe that a committed relationship is doomed to fail then it certainly will. If we can wrap our minds around the idea that we can have a productive and happy relationship that thrives then it will lead to a more productive and joyful life with our partner.

I chose the title gestalt because it means that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. This term was coined by a German philosopher named Christian von Ehenfels and comes from the adjective ungestalt which means misshapen or deformed. We can change our belief systems about marriage and change our attitudes toward committed relationships thus changing the sum of the parts. Relationships can thrive and we can be happy with someone for the duration of our lives. We can learn to embrace the imperfections and as a result our relationship will be more lovely because of them. These flaws are what make our relationships what they are and a perfect relationship is not one to be judged by comparing ours with others but to be appreciated for exactly how it is. When we compare and compete we bring unhappiness into our lives so appreciating the uniqueness of our own relationship is what brings contentment.

I know couples who have been together for years (since I was a teen) who still have the same sparkle in their eyes today as they did back then. I also know couples who have so much resentment and contempt for each other they cannot stand the sight of one another. Personally I prefer the former rather than the latter. I understand that couples go through changes and times of growth but these changes do not have to bring unhappiness. Growth and change can be uneasy but if both partners are committed to making a rich and satisfying life together changes will be a norm rather than something that just happens. Times of change can be an opportunity to build a stronger bond rather than building a wall between the couple. We have to understand and appreciate the differences in our partners rather than let them be a source of conflict. I think that having the perfect partner is more about BEING the perfect partner. We cannot change others but we certainly have control over ourselves and our own perceptions!