Anniversary

Artwork: Nothing Left by Laney Degrasse

an·ni·ver·sa·ry

/anəˈvərs(ə)rē/

Noun

The date on which an event took place in a previous year.

Broken things can be repaired in a way that makes them even more beautiful and valuable than they were before. I have been broken. I know what it is like to feel shame at my weakness, to starve myself to be worthy, and to want to sleep forever. If I had to guess, I'd say you might be a bit broken too. But being broken is not the worst thing. We can be mended. Our cracks can become beautiful. We can be even better than new.  ~Anna White

It’s been my experience that you can nearly always enjoy things if you make up your mind firmly that you will.  ~ Lucy Maud Montgomery

Today marks the one-year anniversary of my decision to take back my power and control my own life.  I decided that I would take a chance to heal, to grow, and to learn instead of just being stuck.  Am I fully healed yet, no, but I am in a better place than I have ever been in my life.  One year ago, I pulled away from a city that was full of heartache and fear—a place that had me trapped in my decisions, I was completely isolated and alone.  I had no support system to make me get out of bed and participate in life.  I was in a very dark place, hoping that I could just disappear and be forgotten--I knew that could not happen but the thought was there.  Facing the decision of what to do and trying to figure out who I was and what I had done with my life was more than I could bear—I did not want to exist.  My saving grace was a very dear friend that said, COME…move here and start over.  Had it not been for her, I am not sure that I could have made it one more day.  BUT one year later, I am a testament of what it means to KEEP GOING when you do not want to go thorough one more day!

This past year has been amazing.  Yes, lots of dark places BUT LOTS of growth.  I now:  love ME for ME; know what it feels like to be completely lost and found again; understand that when I feel that I am NOT ENOUGH, I am lying to myself.  I found my smile, I AM enough, and I have a sense of self-worth that is unwavering.  I love me for exactly who I am, and where I am in my life.  I understand who I am and my value.  No, I am NOT perfect, far from it—I understand that my life is not perfect but I have learned to enjoy each and every single moment that I am breathing.  I take the bad with the good.  I understand that those dark times were teaching me and growing me into a better, stronger person.  I am not ashamed of the decisions that I have made and the things that I have done.  I understand that difficult times end, bright skies are ahead—I changed my thinking and even the dark times are not ‘dark’ anymore.

There have been times in my life when all I wanted to do was complain about my circumstances.  Complaining and drowning in my sorrows only stole my energy and made me unproductive.  Dwelling on circumstances and the things in my life that I did not like only made the situation worse.  When I decided to change my mindset and to enjoy things anyway, my mood instantly lifted.  When I feel frustrations, anger, or resentment creeping into my thoughts I close my eyes and feel them, in that moment, I feel and let them move through me.  When I do this simple thing, I can let them go and think of the good things in my life.  The decision to think about things differently is extremely powerful.  I can choose to ignore or dwell on things that steal my joy or I can focus on the lesson and enjoy the moment anyway.  This converted the dark moments into happiness.  Remember, thoughts lead to feelings and feelings lead to actions and actions lead to results. 

There is always a reason to be happy, even in the darkest times there is a glimpse of light somewhere.  Think about life in useable days; if a person lives to be 90-years-old they have about 32,850 days on this earth.  We have limited time here, our thoughts can either waste those days and make them unbearable or we can decide to enjoy every single one of them.  Worrying and sitting in negative emotions only makes those days difficult, we may not know what we can accomplish but do it anyway.  Changing our thoughts and learning to aim at accomplishing our goals should be our focus, not on self-doubt and fear that we will never achieve something.  Focusing only on the results, life can get dull and we will beat ourselves up for not being where we want to be.  Enjoying the journey makes life interesting and bearable.  We control nothing in this world except for our thoughts and how we react, changing the way we think and our reactions keeps us smiling and keeps us from wasting time.  Some days are a struggle to fight away the negativity but knowing that we have the power inside to change that focus and to bring back the joy is powerful.  Life is too precious to be wasted on negativity so I learn to find joy in every day. Discovering ways to give myself a good laugh tremendously improves my mood.  Laughing resets my mind and body back into balance when the chaotic world tries to ruin it for me.  Laughing is great medicine and it greatly improves health and wellness and smiling just feels good.

I could look back at my life and remember only the times that I failed or I could look back and see all that I have accomplished.  I failed a lot in my life and, at times, I did not receive those failures well. I used to think that failure was some sort of punishment and used that as my excuse to blame everyone for my failures.  Part of my growth has been owning my mistakes and internalizing that failures are part of life and our perception (thoughts) about failure can make or break us.  Failure (for me) no longer triggers negative thoughts, just the opposite.  I see failure as a way to grow and learn, not a reason to get angry and wallow in my sorrows.  Failure does not automatically equate to total defeat but the things that we do after we fail translates the outcome of our future.  I used to run away from failure but this only created a huge hole in my life.  I was not learning.  I was not growing.  I was running and creating a false sense of self-confidence.  It did not serve me well.  When I hit rock bottom, I am quick to remind myself to prepare for what is next and to search for the lesson instead of running away.  I allow those feelings to go through me, I FEEL them and release them.  I look for the nuggets of wisdom and tell myself that this too shall pass.  Successful people are great reminders that failure is a necessary step to enjoy success—not to give up when something did not work out the way that you planned.

I had to stop comparing myself and my life with others, it was a huge thing for me.  That was the wrong mindset because I was looking for validation from sources outside myself.  Behind that thinking was the question, what can I do to make my life look like theirs? What will I get out of it?  Such a skewed way of looking at things.  I was always asking for what the world can give to me or how other people could contribute to my welfare—this made my life less meaningful and very shallow. I had to learn to love myself and to think about what I can do for others--that makes my life worth living.  What can I bring to the world, instead of what can I get out of the world.  If I can I use my knowledge, experience, and power to inspire others that is what will make my life worthwhile. I am not sure if I will make a huge impact in the world but if one single person breathes easier, finds healing, or gets inspired because of me, then I know I have fulfilled a purpose.

I am not certain whether I will achieve my dreams but I can aim for them, I can choose to enjoy the journey, and all of the people who participate in my story.  Yesterday is over and no one can undo mistakes but I see the possibility of tomorrow and learn to become wiser and use them for good.  Tomorrow gives hope that there is a chance to be better and is another chance to grasp prospects that come my way--tomorrow provides an opportunity to rectify mistakes and failures.  Tomorrow is a promise of fresh beginnings and it can be a chance to open a new chapter of life, choose to write it wisely or hold on to the same things that make life difficult. Tomorrow is an opportunity to start all over and heal the hurt and pain of the past.  Tomorrow reminds me that I have the ability to perform better and to let go of those things that no longer serve me.  Tomorrow is a sweet offering but remember that waiting until tomorrow might be too late so, start right now, in this moment.  Be willing to make the effort to reach for ambitions and to enjoy the little things in life.  Be true to yourself, your judgement, and your intuition.  You have a gift, a talent, and a strength that no other person on this earth can share, there is someone counting on you to inspire them.

As a child, I used to think about what I wanted to be when I grew up.  My answer has been different during different seasons of my life but my goals inspired me and fueled me to reach for those impossible my dreams.  I have ambitions, I set big goals, and I exhaust every effort trying to achieve them.  Sometimes they work out and sometimes I have to step back, regroup, and devise a new plan.  It is safe to say that I am a very ambitious person. Those ambitions convince me not to be satisfied being unsatisfied. They slap me with the truth that I have work to do and dreams to chase. They force eliminate the tardy version of myself.  My ambitions also remind me to take action and to hit the ground running every single day.  My accomplishments depend on no one but me, I have to decide to act or to procrastinate.  These dreams are a constant reminder that I am human and as hard as I try to do it alone, I cannot.  There are always people to teach me, to support me, and to inspire me.  I cannot achieve everything on my own, I need others in my life to keep me going and to keep pushing me when I want to give up.  Dreaming is free but accomplishing takes effort.  I may aim for what others might think is impossible but attaining the impossible is not out of reach if we take small steps to make things happen.  Maybe for others it is impossible or ridiculous but I cannot limit myself by their opinions, I have to keep striving and keep going and learn what does and does not work. 

Along this journey I have met some AMAZING people; their stories, strength, and perseverance helped me to get through some of my darkest days.  Those people are not physically with me every day but their love, patience, understanding, and faith continuously lifts me up when my days seem gloomy.  They were given to me for a purpose and their indelible influence in my life will always be there. 

One year ago, I wore a fake smile. NOW, I wear a genuine smile every single day…. from the inside, because I am sincerely happy.  I made it.  I did it.  No matter what life throws at me, I can overcome!  I am NOT stuck.  I AM ENOUGH.  I look in the mirror and say I LOVE YOU because you are strong, you are resilient, and you are YOU!  My intuition works, my judgement is better, and I will not give pieces of myself that are not to be given.

This week, think about those things in your life that are no longer serving you.  How can you eliminate these things and what actions can you take to overcome the obstacles in your life?  Write in your journal about these things and share your comments below.  If you are feeling stuck and are not sure how to start making progress again, fill out the contact form (to the right) to set up your free coaching session.  In this session, we can devise a plan to get your life on track.