Purpose

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins. ~Benjamin Franklin

Beauty

A day spent without the sight or sound of beauty, the contemplation of mystery, or the search of truth or perfection is a poverty-stricken day; and a succession of such days is fatal to human life. --Lewis Mumford

A thing of beauty is a joy for ever: Its loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness; but still will keep a bower quiet for us, and a sleep full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing... --John Keats

Beauty in not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. --Kahlil Gibran

Beauty is a form of genius -- is higher, indeed, than genius, as it needs no explanation. It is of the great facts in the world like sunlight, or springtime, or the reflection in dark water of that silver shell we call the moon. --Oscar Wilde

I have been reading the book The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis & John Eldredge. The basic premise of the book is that we have all somehow lost our heart and miss the beauty in life somewhere along the road of life. In the first chapter the authors explain how the mystery of the heart is lost in the things of the world and how living life without heart is not worth living. The authors also talk about the arrows that pierce and damage our hearts and living disconnected from the heart is something that we try to keep hidden behind our fake smiles. One of the authors describes finding his mother in the kitchen one morning crying. Despite trying to comfort her he felt the disconnect in her and in later years discovered the reason for her tears were from living a life without meaning. There was no continuity between the life she was living and her own inner self.

What does this have to do with beauty? Beauty resides deep within our hearts. I am turning 40 tomorrow and I have come to appreciate the simple beauty of the world. What defines beauty? That is in the perception of the beholder. I find beauty in the sun rise when I am out running. I found beauty in the hand of my infant children wrapped around my index finger. I find beauty in the smell of a lilac. Beauty is in the laughter of my loved ones. Beauty is in the thought of a friend who is genuinely concerned when I have had a bad day. Beauty is in the everyday accomplishments and hurdles of life. Beauty is in the smell of freshly cut grass or autumn leaves. Beauty is a beautiful scent blowing in the wind. Beauty is in the written words of poetry. Beauty is in the color of artistry. Beauty is lying in the cool grass gazing up at the stars with the one you love. I treasure each moment that I have on this earth and if I cannot see the beauty in the simple and ordinary then I have certainly missed the mark.

I know that those arrows have pierced my heart from time-to-time but if I allow my heart to harbor those disappointments then my heart becomes bitter and hardened to beauty. I think that it is not enough to just wake up in the morning and cycle through the day but to truly live and appreciate each moment we are given. If we are not living inside-out then we are only separating ourselves from the person that God truly intends us to be. C.S. Lewis wrote about passion and living life with passion:

All of the things that have every deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it [passion]—tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes, that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest—if there every came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself-you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say “Here at last is the thing I was made for.” We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, and the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends, or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we loose things, we loose all.

How is it that we allow ourselves to walk though life with a mask on? Why do we demand this of others if we are so unhappy with it ourselves? I accept people as they are and love them simply because they are alive. I have come to appreciate the differences in people and love them for who God made them to be. I have learned to overlook the minor things in life and try to gaze into their heart which is the true beauty of a person’s soul!

Remember

AW1 Joseph "Boats" John Pycior Jr.,
DCNO Crisis Action Center
KIA
Born: October 14, 1961
Died: September 11, 2001
Hometown: Carlstadt, NJ

Click here to read his story.

Truth

God offers to every mind its choice between truth and repose. Take which you please - you can never have both. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Unless you’ve lived on a different planet you have heard the song True (http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/spandau_ballet/true.html) by Spandau Ballet. I was listening to it in the car this morning it brought back a lot of peaceful and great memories. When I did a search about the meaning of the song I found that it had been written as a love song to someone who did not know the true thoughts of the author. He did not want to be foolish but he wanted her to know how he felt. I guess that is the reason it struck home for me is because it made me thing of my blog about Fear (http://livingincognito2.blogspot.com/2009/09/fear.html). I think that in a new relationship it is difficult to say things that you might want to say for fear of being rejected (you might have to read the blog entry to understand that statement). Rejection is difficult to swallow but so is living behind a mask!

I did a search on dictionary.com (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/true) for the word true and I did not realize all of the different meanings of the word….I mean, I know the value of the word but I guess I did not really think about how deeply the word reached. Truth is a multifaceted word that means a deep-seated and sincere desire to be loyal, faithful and steadfast in character. If you are not a genuine person then are you truly living your best life? Are you being true to yourself? Why the need to hide behind a mask and be someone you are not? Plain and simple….fear. Fear that someone will not like you for the person that you are or are not!? Fear is a gripping emotion and if we allow it to take root in our soul then we will never become the person that we WANT or NEED to be—you are esetially living a lie In reality speaking truth is not only in words but in our actions too. I tell my children all of the time that there is more than one way to tell a lie….lies by submission and lies by omission. We can speak an untruth easily but when we do not say something then we are also lying. We might think that not saying something is not lying but it is! Lies by omission are those things that we hold inside wishing that we’d said but never did!

My former Pastor once said that we should never leave any good thing left unsaid because you never know when you will take your last breath. Life (and death) comes at us fast and we cannot live our lives with regret and wish that we’d said something that we should have said. When your children, family, friends or partner does or says something that you have a good thought about….SAY IT! It’s never too late to say something good to someone and we should never hold anything back for fear of rejection! It might be something that you’ve never done before but open your mouth and start seeing the great things around you. Even in adversity don’t think…why me! Instead, believe that the situation will squeeze something great out of you! When we are going through calamity we seem to look at the dark side of things but instead try to see something positive coming out of the circumstance.

When we are amidst a trial we search for blame to try to keep from self-searching but when things are going great we do not do that!? We can blame during bad times but what about during the good times? We don’t think…why me!? When things are good, do you!? Of course you don’t and it’s human nature to do those things. In the movie Pretty Woman she says that “the bad stuff is easier to believe” and it truly is but no matter how bad things might seem there is someone who has it worse! We don’t want to try to compare ourselves with one-another but when things look the darkest try to put it all in perspective and seek something good instead of remaining in the black cloud! We have to live a transparent life in order to obtain the happiness that we wish to someday have. We cannot keep wish for the next good thing until we are happy! Happiness comes today, right now…in the middle of the darkest hour you can make a choice to be happy because it comes from within (http://livingincognito2.blogspot.com/2009/09/happiness.html)!

The photo I chose for this blog posting are the Chinese symbols for truth, honor, respect and integrity…the four pillars of a sold relationship (in my eyes). I write so much about relationships and building a good foundation because over the years I have learned that nothing is more important than great relationships. I have handed the power over a couple of times but I will never do that again. I want solid foundations with everyone in my life and if I say too much then I guess that person was not supposed ot be IN my life. This goes not just for romantic encounters but also with friends and/or family. Of course I am not fond of being single but my life is rich and full without a man beside me and a great partner will only enhance the wonderful life that I live! In that or any relationship I must have complete truth, honor, respect and integrity before I will be happy. I cannot make someone be that, it has to come naturally from within.

Happiness

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire. The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life". This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness.

Happiness IS the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time....and remember that time waits for no one. So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire from work, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again, to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Author -- Unknown

Fear

You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith. ~Mary Manin Morrissey

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. ~Marie Curie

Fear is a darkroom where negatives develop. ~Usman B. Asif

There are times when fear is good. It must keep its watchful place at the heart's controls. ~Aeschylus

He who fears something gives it power over him. ~Moorish Proverb

There are so many great quotes about fear because it can be a crippling emotion and it consumes us if we allow it to take control. I just finished the book Act Like a Lady / Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey. It is a very interesting read but one that opened my eyes to some things that I have and still do in relationships. The final chapter (basically) talks about how to get what you want and deserve in a relationship. Of course I am a realist and I know that there is no perfect relationship but settling for much less than you deserve is not being true to yourself. All too often we settle for too many of the ‘deal breakers’ and end up becoming another “heartbreak story.” I think that it’s very important to sit down BEFORE you start dating or before you are too emotionally involved and list your ‘must haves’ as well as the things that you cannot or will not tolerate.

I will be very transparent here and say that I am not good at being single. This does not mean that I want to rush into a relationship just for the sake of having someone around. I have settled my entire life and now I am just tired of the games and lack of respect that I have allowed. My previous relationship was a train wreck from day one. I should have known to run when he uttered a very un-emotional phrase after what I thought was an amorous act. I would not consider myself an emotionally unstable person what-so-ever but I think that I was in an emotionally vulnerable place otherwise I would not have even been in the situation to begin with!

Did I love him…..I don’t think so. HAVE I ever loved someone….I think that I can truly say that I have loved two men in my life. Do I want to be in love….YES, but not at the expense of my own self-respect! I will never allow someone to consume my self-respect again! My daughter put it very well the other day when I was frustrated that people do not understand that I could NEVER go back to that….she said, “Mom, they were not there so they can’t understand how you feel.” Out of the mouths of babes! Sometimes they make so much more sense than adults!

I can say with 100% certainty, I will NEVER settle again. Either it is or it is not. I do not have to have a man to feel secure but sharing the load sure helps! I realize that men who have not had great track record with past relationships are more-than-likely to run out on me too. Why am I different than those other women? In the book it talks about telling the man whom you find yourself involved with what you expect when you feel as though it might be going somewhere. Women as a species want clarity in their relationships. I think that is my biggest issue with being single and trying to trudge through the newness because I want to know what is going on…not because I want a commitment but for the sake of the ability to make good decisions. I want to know that if he is seeing other women; I want to know that if he sees something in me that he’d like to explore; I want to know if he does NOT see it going anywhere. After a couple of dates you have some idea of if this person possesses the same qualities and values that you’re looking for, do you not? It’s not that difficult to see if you think that you’d be a good match so why do men hold these things back.

Going back to the book and my original topic (fear), Mr. Harvey says that women settle for less than they deserve because of fear--the fear of loosing him. Women do not open their mouth to tell men what boundaries are in place. Women suffer through emotional turmoil because they bypass their requirements and standards just for the sake of having a relationship. In reality if those things are out in the open and they don’t call then can count it all joy because their true intentions are obvious at that point. Fear paralyzes us from taking actions because we are afraid to loose ‘him’ but if he truly values the woman and sees something in her then he will respect what she has to say. Of course if she says something that is too much or not what he wants then he should be man enough to speak up and either put on the breaks or tell her what he thinks. Instead of holding back why can’t we just be honest and open? Is that not what builds a meaningful relationship?

So, what is it that I value (and want) in a relationship? Number ONE…..integrity: i.e. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; HONESTY!! Number TWO....faithfulness: i.e. true to one's word, promises, vows, etc. I want someone who will appreciate me for just who I am, to treasure me and to make me feel as though I am important to them. Finally, I want someone who will be dedicated and unwavering to making the relationship work. If they tend to run and hide when things are not great then they should walk away because if you’re not completely present then it’s not for me. Personally, picking your socks up off of the floor or putting the lid on the toothpaste....not a big deal! I am into building relationships that last, not lingering on things that don’t even matter! Am I asking too much?!