Inventory

Wow, what a weekend! I will not get into the sorted details but let’s just say it was eventful—some good, some not-so-good. I guess after the events from Friday (see Death?) I had to take inventory on my life. I realized that since I moved back to Oklahoma I forgot to remember that I’m pretty cool and that I like me just the way I am. I am passionate, I am loyal, I am creative, I am smart, I am nice, I am a peacemaker, I am a good hugger AND my life is full of people who love me (and some that just claim to). On my MySpace my heading says: People will show you who they are, listen the first time. I think that saying can mean many different things dependent on the situation.

People can go either way, no matter what comes out of their mouth it’s their actions that scream their true and genuine self and their exact feelings. For example, my grandmother was my hero and always will be. She was the nicest and most genuine soul that I have ever known. She had the work ethic of a stallion but was gentle as the wind. Even if she didn’t particularly like someone they would never know because she treated everyone the same—just because they were alive she respected them. We never had a lot of money but we always had just enough to have what we needed and every now and then something that we wanted. You-know back then I never really noticed because when we went to the store all I ever wanted was some M&Ms (and so did my dog!) or a Butterfinger.

I think that today I realized how very important things and money are to some people. Some are wiling to sacrifice the people who are loyal and forgiving for things and money. Some people are so driven by the lust for more that they loose sight of the really important things in life….building a legacy thorough their relationships on earth. My view is that money makes life a little easier but it does not (and will NOT) replace the people who I hold dear. I understand the need for financial comfort and stability but if I wake up every morning alone with shallow and meaningless relationships how happy can I truly be? I guess that if the ole dollar keeps you warm at night and makes you feel secure then more power to ya. I want to make sure that my children have a roof over their heads and a few meals each day otherwise the rest is superfluous that I really do not need anyway. I liked the quote (below) because wealth is a state of mind not a huge bank account and a house full of pretty things!

Prosperity is a way of living and thinking, and not just money or things. Poverty is a way of living and thinking, and not just a lack of money or things. --Eric Butterworth

I guess that picking up, regrouping and starting YET AGAIN (when I thought I would never have to) makes one take inventory of their lives. Loosing the one you love and thought you’d spend your dying days with makes one wonder what might be wrong with you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no beauty queen but I’m not an ugly-duckling either. I can keep up with the best of ‘em but at (almost) 40 you have to wonder what happened and why I am not living happily ever after? What is it about ME that makes them be unfaithful and tell half-truths while stealing my heart? Am I so gullible that I will believe anything and just keep getting ran over until my self-esteem is in the crapper? I know in some ways I had a role in the failure too, I am never going to admit that I am or ever will be perfect but one thing that I do know is that I am probably THE most loyal and loving person one could ever be with. I will never claim to have perfection mastered but I can say that there are some character qualities that will never falter: integrity and loyalty.

Am I heartbroken? Yes! Am I ready to be in a relationship right now? No, I think that I’ll save that for awhile until I can learn how to trust blindly and love someone again. I forgot to remember that some boundaries cannot be broken yet I allowed them to be crossed repeatedly and along the way failed to be loyal to myself. I still am in love with him and I probably always will be (heck I have been since I was 15) but the damage is done and he is not willing to forgo his earthly pursuits for me. I guess that speaks of my value in his emotional storage and the lack of worth that I have in his life. I was dumb enough to belive the things that made my heart go pitter-patter and I guess that the whole time it was just a clanging cymbal. That is one of hte things that hurts the most right now well, and the lack of remorse on his part. I guess that when you THINK someone loves you and things are not going well they might want to work things out. When you say that you are going to endure through thick-and-thin but run out when someone prettier comes along I guess that you get what you deserve. Someday I might see it in a different light but right now I am just sad.

Going back to my grandmother, she suffered yet endured; she was hurt but still kept on loving; she did not have a big bank account but her heart was as big as the moon; she had obstacles to overcome yet she faced them with a positive outlook and steadfast determination. I want to be like grandma when I grow up. I want to cry happy tears and keep the warm tears of sorrow to a minimum. I want to love my girls and show them that women are worthy of respect and love at all times! They need to know that when you find a partner that they will circle the wagons during tough times not keep you at arms length and confide in others. Relationships where value and respect live are the one's worth fighting for. I want to be happy and I think that I deserve at least that! I think the glue that binds people are the difficult times because when you are squeezed your true character shines through.

So, taking inventory:

Still breathing, check
Health, check
Great kids, check
Loving family, check
Support network, check
Determination, check
Integrity, check
Goals, check
Upset, check (only for a season)

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is:

I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread. -- Psalm 37:25

This tells me that as long as my checklist is full of righteous living then God will take care of the rest.

Life?

Dream?

This morning the doggies and I went for our walk they were excited about the prospects of sniffing new scents and I was excited about my thinking time. When I am exercising it gives me a chance to clear my head and think more clearly, sometimes. After the past couple of weeks I need as much head clearing that I can possibly get! The stress of a teetering relationship, teenage daughters, and money issues piled on top of the coursework in my class AND trying to purchase a house under some strict lending guidelines…..these things have taken a real toll on my patience and emotional stamina.

I understand the teenage problems but when your 13 year old calls you while you think she’s on the way to a getaway at the lake with her friend and says that she’s been involved in an accident your mother hen reflexes kick in the blink of an eye! She proceeds to explain to me that a semi-truck (I kind of stopped hearing after that because when a semi is involved it’s not really a great story) had failed to stop for a traffic jam on I-44, rolling over two cars and setting off a chain of events where a car was hurled into the vehicle that my daughter was in. The full story is here. My heart aches for the families of the 9 who did not walk away but at the same time my heart rejoices that she was not one of the fatalities. It makes you appreciate the fragility of life and hug them a little harder when you get the chance! At the moment I realized that she was OK but how close she came to being injured (or worse) I wanted to pick up the phone and start dialing my partner. Then I had a second thought, the words “I cant stand her” rolled through my mind and I thought ‘why would he care that she’s OK if he cant stand her?’ so I did not call.

After the short but fast thought process I began to think about how precious the relationships in our lives are. We leave behind a legacy not a U-haul, right (of course!)! Relationships are about building meaningful bonds with people not filling a house with couches and television sets. Who cares if you live in the best house, drive the best car, have a bank account full of money if you have shallow relationships filled with deception and infidelity? Is it worth the daily heartache of wondering if your partner is calling others while you are working or pondering the thought of him sitting across the table from another at lunchtime? Is he sending love messages to someone because they surely are not in my inbox and my phone is not ringing? Who captures the heart when it is not the one you’re sleeping next to? If not who then what? Is it money, vacations, cars, homes or any earthly/tangible object?

When you think about your own mortality what do you want others to say? Do you want them to say…man, he/she sure had a great house filled with stuff…or do you prefer….wow he/she was the nicest most caring person I have ever met? Do you want your home-going (funeral) to be filled with people whose lives you touched and made better or simply die alone your death being unknown to those who knew you? I am not trying to paint a morbid or sad picture but rather make you think about why you are on this earth. What is your purpose? Why do you get up every morning? Do you try to improve yourself everyday or are you stuck in the same routine not noticing the hours of your life ticking away?

Going back to my relationship….I think that we all want to be valued and cared about. On my walk this morning the song “I love the Way You Love Me” by John Michael Montgomery made me really think about what I need in a romantic relationship. The song begins with him telling her that he loves to hear her name and watch her eyes dance when she’s laughing and that he loves the little quirky things that she does too. He knows how to read her, he watches her eyes to see what is behind them. These are the things that I need….to be valued and have the little silly things that I do be important. I want to do the same to the one I am with too but at this point can I put my heart on the line after the history? Has the bitterness taken away any happiness that was in my dreams for this relationship in the beginning? I still have those giddy feelings but they are mixed with mistrust and hurt which makes this so difficult. It’s not that there is no love but I now am looking through Rose Colored Glasses. Does that mean that the dream is dead or that there is work to do? I guess that is a rhetorical question because it has to be a two way street at this point.

All of this ties into my house hunting adventure. What a mess that has been! I began this search in about April and have since thought that I had choosen a home that is in my budget and is good for the family BUT both of those deals have since withered away in mortgage land. I am now searching for a needle in a haystack because I have very strict guidelines that I have to follow in order to GET a loan. Now I have choices but they are limited to either staying in the school district and living in a shoebox OR moving out a bit and taking the kids to school everyday. Is it senseable to choose either? This is a big purchase and walking through these homes I am wanting someone there ot support me and hold my hand through the process. This has not been the case and I feel more alone than I have ever felt in my life—being an only child…it’s hard to top the lonliness felt during my childhood. I dream about buying a home, putting up the white picket fence and living happily ever after…it’s not how the process has been going.

Maybe I’m feeling sorry for myself today or maybe I am just starting to realize what I can and cannot live with OR without. I am not sure but I do know that I cannot loose my soul again as I did in my 30s because it took me on a journey of living deeply depressed and confused daily. I did not know who I was and what I wanted. I basically lived on-stage and allowed my life to be directed by others. I cannot allow that to happen again. I have to love my kids, get my degree(s), go to work and value the road of life taking each challenge as it comes and loving every second of everyday that I get to spend on this side of the dirt! Are my dreams dying or are they just taking shape?

Bravery....

Beginnings

Life is sometimes unpredictable....but blogging helps work through that. Beginning again.

Never give all the heart
by W. B. Yeats

Never give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate [wo]men if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that's lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost.